Just Before Bed

Yesterday’s epiphany was an incorrect one. I am not crazy and I am not stupid, but I am tired. Today I woke up and said it is over, and that means little to you because to you it never began. For me that statement is the creed by which I will live the rest of my life. Every morning I will wake up and say that it is over.

Today is one of many when I woke up to the thought that this would be the end of a four year downward spiral. The only difference is that the other mornings I woke and thought maybe today would be the end of a downward spiral. Today is different. I woke up cold. I woke up hard and incapable of loving; I have been drained. People often say that it is never the end; it is always the beginning of something new. I do not concur. The part of me that allowed for love is dead and there is no new beginning.

I want to runaway, but it is impossible to run away from myself so I have to take other measures in order to cope with the problem I have dwelt inside of for years. I have had other problems. This one is different. This one involves the emotions that I ran from for sixteen years, those same emotions that have entrapped me for the past four. My best friend of ten years lied to me, and that was a problem for me. I was able to detach myself from her as easily as one breaks apart jigsaw puzzle pieces. That situation makes me wonder why it is so hard for me to detach myself from any mere mortal who has had no direct effect on my existence. I have loved so hard that it has turned to hate. Hate for him and frustration with God for allowing me to love the wrong person.

My character strength and flaw are both one in the same: desire. Whether it comes easily or with a degree of difficulty, I always get what I want. You can do that when what you want makes logical sense, when there is a logical way to obtain your goal. The thing called emotion is not so—there is no logical approach when feelings are involved. There is no logic.

-written 09/18/03-