Untitled

I spent a bit of trying to figure out what to title this piece, but nothing seemed to hit it just right. There was "I Loved Him. And He Hates Me." However, this leaves out the finality of the current un-situation. There was "One Last Cry," but that makes way for the word never, and I'm not quite sure that I will never cry again. Then there was "It's Just Different." I had to settle for an untitled piece.

Today he told me that there he thinks we need to close the lines of communication between us, and not talk to each other
at all
anymore
period.
I do not dispute this charge, which I initiated many times previously, but was unable to keep; when he says it, it's just different. I have known him nearly all of my life [about 18 of 22 years], six of which I have been head over heels inamoured, infuriated, miffed, speechless, livid and in love with him. In those six years we have infuriated each other often, but have always reconciled. We've hated each other, at the same time, and at different times; but I always found my way back to love. That is why this time, when I can't even remember why he could be effin pissed off at me, I can't begin to understand "Why now?"

We have not really talked in a while; we have not seen each other in seven months [which is not unusual when one goes to school out of state]; and we have not laughed together since longer than that I'd imagine. So why is this so hard? Why is him telling me that he no longer wishes to talk to me
at all
anymore
period.
a big deal now? I think it's because of the finality of it all, and the fact that I don't know why. Maybe he is just growing up, and realizing that we are static, and will never progress [the way, I am sure, he saw our situation from the very beginning while I was crafting kids' names from his initials].

Q. Why is it a big deal? Why do I even care?

1. Because I do.
2. Because even though I have known for a very long time that nothing would ever come of the two of us, I still just do.
3. Because I think of him everyday, and pray for him [in secret] more than I pray for anyone else.
4. Because I have never been shut out of anyone's life before, and for the first person to close the door in my face to be him, well, it's really hard.
5. Because I do.

After we said our final goodbyes. I shook it off, and decided it was close enough to my bedtime to just go to sleep. I decided that I would not cry; I would not even think about it anymore. But as soon as I crawled under my red sheets, I became a girl. He has always made me act-- no, I have always acted so out of character because of him. I was not going to cry, but as soon as I was in that space where we once [a few times] had been, the silent tears were not going to be contained by the stoical persona to which I cling so strongly. I became a girl under those sheets. Lying there I thought I want to burn these sheets. I want to burn my journals. I broke the CD's he gave me, because I am supposed to rid myself of anything which reminds me of him right? Well I can rid myself of the tangible things, but what about the memories? How do you do that?

More importantly how, am I going to get through the day after I pray for him in the morning--because it has become habit-- knowing that I am no longer allowed to speak to him. Ignorance is bliss; I wish I had never initiated a conversation with him tonight because tonight I might have still been ignorant to the fact that he no longer sees a point in talking to me
at all
anymore
period.

My sister told me to just let it go, and my cousin said the same thing. I know that is what I should do. But it's hard. Mainly hard because he was the only person I'd ever let in in that way. I willingly gave him all of me, and more. When others who even held the title of boyfriend were never able to break the icy exterior. And I feel foolish. Foolish for allowing him to be the one to bring down my walls. Could I have not been a better judge of character? I don't let people in immediately because I feel like I must observe them for a long time before. Had I not observed him enough in the twelve years of congnition before I decided to trust enough to be open?

This is my fault, and I cannot blame anyone but myself. For I have loved in vain. With everything I had, I loved in vain. The care packages, in vain. The homemade chocolate chip cookies sans nuts, in vain. The long late Saturday-night talks, in vain. The writings, in vain. The early morning prayers, in vain.

After I cried like the girl that I am not, I decided to shower hoping the flow of water would drown out my tears. Thankfully it did. And as it rained on me, I thought of song after song, that I felt had been written for me in this moment. There were hundreds of them in a matter of minutes. Hundreds of lines, which could have predicted this moment in my life, came just a few hours too late. It's crazy, because even now I feel like just give me one last time. I need just one last time to kiss his lips: I need to feel the emptiness there (but I would savor the taste forever). One more time to look upon his eyes: I need to see a chilled reflection of myself in them (so I know what "no more" looks like). One more time to hear his voice: I need to hear the nonchalant tone which would seal our fate.

I shall have to retire the name Tanalan; I've decided not to have children so the name is up for grabs. This decision came before this night. I decided before tonight to never share my life with anyone. I was incapable before him of being open and now one shall have to pry my emotions open with a crow bar crafted by Zeus himself. But what is scary is that all walls crumble: the walls of Jericho, they crumbled; the walls of Troy, they failed. My walls now, shall be greater than those which guarded the city of Troy; they will be forged of Fe.

I hate her. Is that wrong? I do not even know who her is, and I do; I hate her. I don't even know if there is a her yet, but there will be. And I will hate her. I hate her for being better for him than I. I hate her for being more attractive to him than I. And I hate her for being smarter than I-- wait that's just not possible! Whew that felt good! I laughed. I'm baaaack. Even though I hate her, I will pray that she is all to him that she should be. Just because you love someone who doesn't love you back, doesn't mean you wish the worst for him, and I don't. I don't wish the worst for him.