1.03.2008

Unwanted

It's been a while... haven't really had anything to say....

As long as I can remember I can never remember feeling unwanted-- not as a friend at least. When you have the physical quirks that I have, you become used to not being the girl who always gets the guy-- the girl who's always wanted in a relationship sense, but until not I'd never felt unwanted as a friend.

I turn 25 years old in four days. I still have numerous friends that I acquired in elementary school, and still more from middle school [as I went to high school with the same group]. In my 25 years I cannot recall loosing someone whom I considered to be a friend. That's a lie. I'd lost one because... that's a key word... because... that means that there was a reason. I lost my best friend of about 11 years because she randomly became a pathological liar.

Because is a term that introduces a reason ... or an excuse... either way I'm okay with certain things as long as there is a because.

I'm having a hard time right now because I lost my second friend of note about 3 months ago, but there was no because. There was no reason. I feel as though we were severed in two without any real rationale. I almost feel very blindsided by the loss. I am having a hard time dealing with it. Honestly, you maybe more apt to understand if I give you a brief overview. This guy and I dated for quite some time, and due to what I thought were schedule conflicts we decided that dating wouldn't be really realistic for us... I was later to learn that he was just no longer interested in me. There was no reason... and I'm sure people often have no reason for loosing interest. But when things seem to be going very well -- mind you I wasn't looking for marriage-- just up and loosing interest is a bit beyond me, but I deal with it because I'm used to being the relationally unwanted girl anyway.

However, when the friendship dissipated as quickly as the relationship did I didn't know how to deal with that. When I realized that I was the only one still making an effort to "always be friends." I decided it wasn't a race I wanted to be in alone. But I don't get it. I am still having a hard time wrapping my brain around loosing this friendship without a because. I don't need a because when it comes to loss of interest, but loss of friendship... I mean who does that... seriously?

It sucks because the friendship before the relationship was really good, and looking back.... I would have avoided the relationship in a heartbeat if it meant I got to keep my friend.

Last night I saw this person for the first time since August. He came over to bring back a DVD that I'd left at his house (I realized this when I was doing my quarterly DVD inventory). I suggested that he mail the DVD because deep down I knew it would probably be best for me not to see him. But he brought it over. He didn't stay long -- which was definitely a good thing, but I watched him play with the dog that I actually bought to replace him -- it was a very awkward sensation. His attempt to shoot the breeze about work and school and my family and stuff.... it was all very nice in theory but in reality it was hard.

It's hard being the only one who cares about a friendship that was lost. It's hard loosing one. It's hard feeling not good enough ... feeling unwanted as even a friend.... So now I'm in my office crying over the things I don't understand.