6.21.2005

Something to Offends Everyone

Great email worth sharing....

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts?

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to Arkansas ?
Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong".

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time ..." -A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain'tgonnabelievethisshit....

Why is there no Disneyland in China ?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides..

The Ballots are In...

and "Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn," is the number one of 100 movie quotes over the past 100 years. This is rightfully so, because Clarke Gable was the sexiest male start to ever grace the silver screen, and Gone With the Wind is the best movie of all time!

6.20.2005

My Brother D

...has made me a better person.

My sister and her husband have been married for a year this July 5, so I thought now would be a good time to reflect on the things that my new brother D has added to my life. You should know, that while he is married to my sister, he has never been my brother-in-law: D-Man is my brother!

While walking to SP Waterpark entrance, for the first time I consciously realized how moral my bother is. I learned that day that he does not --almost ever-- and never consciously walk on handicap ramps. Now, me being the insensitive boob that I sometimes am used to walk up those things all of the time. I asked him why he never walks up the handicap ramps, and he simply said something to the effect of, "It's almost disrespectful. We have full use of our limbs, yet we are too lazy to take the stairs."

What I think I love the most is that his morals are not forced on others; he doesn't stand at handicapped ramps and with picket signs saying, "Respect the quadriplegics. Take the stairs!" His actions - most often demonstrated silently-- promote his causes.

How he's made me a better person:

I no longer walk up handicap ramps.

I try to keep my apartment emaculant. He bought a book about cleaning, and he was so excited about putting these rules into practice. He would occasionally call me in the wee hours of the morning to tell me that a toilet is supposed to be cleaned everyday; you should change your dishrag daily, and if you don't then you should soak it in bleach and at least change it weekly; you should vacuum daily; and every morning when you wake up [possibly while you shower] you should pull your covers back and air our your room by opening a window.

First, I thought he was nuts for calling me so early to tell me these things, but then I realized that if he was calling me at seven in the morning, that means he was up cleaning at seven in the morning. There was action on his end as well.

Because of him, and his book, there was a time [before working fulltime] when I would wake up and vacuum my apartment every morning. Cleaned my toilet every three days. Washed my sheets every week, once every three days on a good week. Cleaned my baseboards with a toothbrush. And inducted into my daily existence a bleach box in which I now keep my dishrag which I try to remember to change out every week.

I began reading the paper
. Because of my Dear Brother D, I willingly began to subscribing to USA Today, and then to This Week, a magazine that takes all of the worthwhile news stories from the week and compiles them for people who just don't have time to read a whole paper everyday.

While I no longer receive those subscriptions, I at least read CNN.com or USAToday.com daily to keep up on current events, void of Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie, and Tom & Katie.

I make people take off their shoes before walking on my carpet. That has been a rule at my brother's house for as long as I have known him. When I moved into my own apartment here in Houston, I quickly adapted that rule because I wanted to keep my carpet as clean as he kept his [no fees for carpet upon moving out of the apartment]!

While I am not there yet, I have learned that is possible to give 110% at everything to which you place your hands. Everything he does is at "all plus" or nothing: softball, cleaning, teaching, reading, and loving. Sometimes I watch him in awe, wondering how he never tires. Wondering how me manages to give his all at teaching for a bit more than 10 hours a day, then still makes it to the gym to work out, still manages to do everything else he does, and go to be by 10:30 or 11:00pm every night.

My hats off to you Brother D. Thanks for helping me to become a better person. Sister Nix-- great catch!

6.18.2005

Just Before Bed

Yesterday’s epiphany was an incorrect one. I am not crazy and I am not stupid, but I am tired. Today I woke up and said it is over, and that means little to you because to you it never began. For me that statement is the creed by which I will live the rest of my life. Every morning I will wake up and say that it is over.

Today is one of many when I woke up to the thought that this would be the end of a four year downward spiral. The only difference is that the other mornings I woke and thought maybe today would be the end of a downward spiral. Today is different. I woke up cold. I woke up hard and incapable of loving; I have been drained. People often say that it is never the end; it is always the beginning of something new. I do not concur. The part of me that allowed for love is dead and there is no new beginning.

I want to runaway, but it is impossible to run away from myself so I have to take other measures in order to cope with the problem I have dwelt inside of for years. I have had other problems. This one is different. This one involves the emotions that I ran from for sixteen years, those same emotions that have entrapped me for the past four. My best friend of ten years lied to me, and that was a problem for me. I was able to detach myself from her as easily as one breaks apart jigsaw puzzle pieces. That situation makes me wonder why it is so hard for me to detach myself from any mere mortal who has had no direct effect on my existence. I have loved so hard that it has turned to hate. Hate for him and frustration with God for allowing me to love the wrong person.

My character strength and flaw are both one in the same: desire. Whether it comes easily or with a degree of difficulty, I always get what I want. You can do that when what you want makes logical sense, when there is a logical way to obtain your goal. The thing called emotion is not so—there is no logical approach when feelings are involved. There is no logic.
-written 09/18/03-

6.17.2005

I'm Really Not A Girlie Girl

Maybe I'll blog in the style of my friend, Areyl. He has a list going just about everyday, so since I can think of something about which I can list, I'll give it a shot.

I am not a girl because...

  1. I can get dressed and ready for anything in 15 minutes or less [assuming I've already showered].
  2. I would rather stay at home and play Madden instead of putting on heels, and going out to a club to try to find a man of relationship potential. You go to clubs, to drink, and meet dudes or chicks [not potential sig others]. Is it me or does anyone else see the nonsense in trying to meet someone when so many people there are intoxicated or really just going to approach you because of the way you look? How many people actually attempt to hold a conversation with someone in a club where the music is blaring out of control?
  3. I do not sit up and fantasize about love, marriage, and motherhood.
  4. I am not a fan of intimacy. Cuddling is a faux pas for me: as a friend of mine says, it's funny because my dislike of intimacy, touching, cuddling, and all that junk is original. I'm not that way because of being hurt so many times [because, clearly I've only been hurt once]. I've just never warmed up to being up under someone or having him up under me. Unless it's about to go there please do not touch. Friendly hugs --from friends-- are okay though.
  5. I don't like spending time with just one person. This does not mean I want to spend time with lots of different people, but I don't look forward to seeing anyone everyday. I never have.
  6. I know that I look fat in my dresses, and in my pants, and skirts, and the button down shirts that like to gap at my DD cupped breasts. If he can't handle it, that's just too effin bad. I'm not going to put on a show for any man, woman or child. If someone can't realize that I am an intelligent female, with a great personality because s/he won't look past the appearance, then I don't give a fuck about them anyway.
  7. I have never, nor will I ever, allow a someone other than my sister/best friend to pay to get my nails or my hair done. I mean really, I have a job.
  8. I don't cry over dudes-- read it and weep kiddos.
  9. The only shopping in enjoy-- truly enjoy-- is DVD shopping. If I go shopping for clothes, I go in get what I need, and walk out. No browsing allowed. I have made it in and out of Houston's Galleria in the record time of 4 1/2 minutes.
  10. I am great with directions: not right or left idiots, but north, south, east, or west.
  11. I don't read instructions. Most things really do just make sense if you think about them.
  12. I hate playing hard to get. It's a waste of time, and time is money. If I like you, and you approach me I'm going to let you know; I don't play that phone tag or the should I call him or wait for him to call me game. That is stupid.
  13. I've changed the tires on my car in about seven minutes. 
  14. I know most of the rules to football.
  15. I'm logical. I'm not a feeler, I am definitely a thinker and can be quite insensitive.
I'm sure I'll think of more later.... this is enough for now.

6.14.2005

Intimacy

In order to create a definitive work of art one sometimes must look to outside sources for inspiration. I sat in front of my computer trying to think of a profound definition of intimacy; I reached no where quickly. With nowhere else to turn, I instant messaged my good friend and said, “Whatdosen'tn’t intimacy mean to you?” He then replied, “Butt naked.”

I laughed. Then I realized that his answer was the answer for which I had been searching all day. While I may have left out the butt portion of the response, the rest was so accurate. Intimacy is to be naked, exposed, uninhibited with someone else. Inhibition is a major part of the nature of intimacy—it is the part that allows one to trust another with his flaws, and still feel okay. This definition is as primitive as Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden. As long as they were obedient, they were intimate with God. They were exposed before him, and it was good. Once they lost His trust, they broke the connection between God and themselves; they no longer felt comfortable; their broken trust caused them to feel ashamed; and they hid.

Trust is what strengthens the bond of familiarity. The word intimate is derived from the Latin root, intima re, which translates "to make familiar with." Familiarity comes from nakedness, and familiarity says, “I can wake up and see your face and smell your morning halitosis every morning, and that is okay, because I realize there is something beyond the morning breath and bed hair keeping me here.”

I feel the most natural reaction for any pubescent individual would be to say that intimacy means a sexual relationship. However, if one really takes the time to analyze what really defines intimacy, I believe that he will see that intimacy is the connection created between two interlocking souls. Intimacy is the linking of oneÂ’s being to anotherÂ’s. Intimacy is the nearly complete knowledge of another personÂ’s world without having been told everything. There is a certain privacy or secrecy that marks an intimate relationship--—a relationship which is defined by the discreet whispers told, in dark corners, between friends or lovers with complete cognitions that the content of those secrets will forever be shared between the two.

It is important to understand that intimacy does not have to involve love, or lovers; it is a kinship between two or more people. Any two people can whisper, in dark corners, private thoughts that could leave them bare before each other. Sometimes the most intimate secrets are between strangers. It is almost like meeting a new person in a bookstore, telling him all of your wildest dreams--—the ones you keep hidden from those with whom you normally associate for fear of rejection or belittling. However, an intimate release between strangers means even if one is judging it matters not because for one brief moment both of them were free to think and feel whatever they wanted. Both were able to exhale--—they exhale together, and possibly go their separate ways not knowing or even caring that the other may think he was crazy because the secret was finally out and no longer burdensome.

The ability to bare all is the essence of intimacy; whether that is between two people who already have an established relationship, or whether that is between strangers who have not been able to exhale before is not the case. This state of exposure may come from discreet whispers or silent soul connections both of which lead to necessary nakedness.

6.12.2005

On My Soapbox Today

Big women can cook but smaller women are healthier. And sex dies in a relationship. Chris Rock told me that last one.

Get the Fuck outta here!

What the hell is wrong with people today. The above ignorant remark came from Zilla Says post for the day. I read this and nearly shat myself.

Smaller women are healthier my ass. Tell me this, how can you be healthy if you don't eat shit. How can you be healthy if you go through "agonizing" procedures, diets, and "meal plans" to keep yourself small? How can eliminating any of the necessary food groups be healthy. By doing this you deprive yourself of numerous comination of Vitamins A, B, C, D, and/or E. How is this healthy. Even Dr. Atkins himself died from a simple ass fall -- and even if not proven-- it's highly possible because he had deprived himself of necessary food.

I am a BIG GIRL. Yes I can cook, but I can also still do two miles in under thirty minutes. My blood pressure is really good [even for someone of a normal size -- the blood donations nurse had the audacity to say that shit to me], and I am not too shabby under the bench.

My favorite vegetable is spinach and I eat either spinach, broccoli, and/or green beans EVERYDAY. When I go out to eat, I'll order salad as my meal [even if I am not on a date]. I also do not have a problem ordering steak, if it is what I want [protein sucka].

Have you ever seen skinny ass women with hair or "fur" on their faces? It's because THEY DON'T EAT ENOUGH, and their body is trying to find warmth from the outside because with lack of nutrients internal insulation is not really possible! So tell your "smaller hairier healthy twig girls" that they don't need to shave! THEY NEED TO EAT.

Men can be rolly polly fat slobs, but women can't because men need to be visually stimulated?!?! If you want to stimulate a man show him a pussy! It can even be diseased; he won't care. If you can't look at me and get all the visual stimulation you need then I won't fucking want you anyway.

So as for me, I will EAT; I will continue to WORK OUT; I will FUCK like a bunny; and I will DIE HAPPY and HEALTHY!!! If anyone doesn't like it s/he can EAT SHIT!

Mid-Level Nerd

I am nerdier than 75% of all people. Are you nerdier? Click here to find out!

6.11.2005

Ball and Chain onto Red! It's His Wedding Day!

One of my favorite carrot-top comrades gets married today. Well, if that is what he wants, all the best to him!

As for me on the other hand, I keep feeling as though that day just might not come for me. I don't feel like this because "I'll never find a good man," but because I really don't think I want marriage and all that it entails. I've never been the lovey dovey type, so the idea of setting myself up for a life of compromise just doesn't sound so appealing to me.