8.25.2005

Compromise and Commitment

When I think of marriage I think of the two Cs: Compromise and Commitment.

It's been my experience that so many people feared commitment, and as always, myself being the iconoclast that I am, I have no fear of commitment. My fear is of compromise. In a previous post, I refered to marriage as "setting yourself up to compromise for the rest of your life." Now, I do not necessarily think fear is the right way to describe my feelings toward compromise; I think lack of desire would be more accurate.

I think my ability to be committed to something is nothing short of amazing:
  1. I had a best friend who lied to me, pathologically telling different lies, and I stayed because I felt she needed a friend; I was committed to our friendship.
  2. There was this guy in whom I found significant interest, and if I am being 110% brutally honest with myself, I would acknowledge that he was never really interested in me, and thusly nothing would ever really progress for us at all. However, emotionally [I'm not sure if that is the right word here] I was 110% committed to him for over six years. I hate to give him so much credit but I've learned so much from that experience alone. I've learned that if you aren't on the same page... it never works.
Committment has never been my issue, in part because I think that it is so closely related to determination, in most cases I cannot differentiate between the two. When I want something, I want it. I do not know how to stop until I get it. Even if that means holding on for six years to an empty jar-- only to find six years later that I am inevitably empty-handed.

Another case in point. I do not yet have my undergraduate degree, and at this point I do not yet know when I will. However, I do know that no matter what it takes, no matter how many years, I will not rest without it. Now I will say, that I do have a great job in Marketing right now [not telemarketing or customer service], an acutal marketing position. Many people are telling me that we my current level of education added to my actual intellectual copacity, even without a college degree, I could still easily make more than some people who are already degreed. I do not doubt this possibility, especially since [even though I am in marketing] I've recently been working with the president of my company to re-model our pricing structure for our services in order to maximize our profit margin based on recreating a formula that uses optimized variables instead of concrete values combined with the results of our recession analysis. Even if I am offered a better position, or a higher paying position, that will never be enough for me without a piece of paper which says that I am qualified.

For this reason, mainly above all others, I am in a state where I refuse to pursue any potential relationships of anything other than a friendly nature. I am even quite skeptical about adding friends to the mix--especially male ones. They can be a distraction. I'll tell you guys a secret; my biggest fear right now, is getting into a relationship that leads to marriage, then to kids, and that leads to me never becoming qualified.

My committment to finishing my education comes before any other varible in my life's equation. It comes before my present job [which at 22 sans degree pays me more than many degreed teachers make]; it comes before any sort of lovelife [which has never really been important to me], and in some cases it comes before my friends. What is hard but completely honest, is that I truly believe finishing comes before everything but God in my life. Once I am back in for the long haul, if my friends can't understand that school comes before them, then that is their on misfortune-- same goes for family. And anyone who knows me know that my friends and family normaly mean the world to me; however, neither of those can qualify me.

So my lack of desire-- it's compromise. For as long as I can remember, my mother has tauht me never to settle. I see compromise and settling as being on the same level. Marriage is one big compromise, especially for a woman who takes the role ordained for her in the Bible of submitting to her husband. Many women often get up in arms when I say that I do believe that this is how a marriage really works: A woman submits to her husband.

I've thought long and hard about marriage, and exactly what I would be giving up by not embarking on such a union. I've read a lot about marriage, and not in books by psychologists and such; I've only used one reference: The Bible. I am not a Bible nut, but for some moral situations I belive that the Bible often presents the best formula: such is the case with marraige.

The Bible says that a woman is to submit to her husband. It also says that husbands are to love their wives. I think those are the only to principals that matter. Maybe that is in my own rationale though.

If I ever marry, I woud want the marriage detailed by the Bible in Ephesians. I would want to be a wife who submits unto her husband, because I believe that a husband is supposed to be the head of his household. Now, do not misunderstand me. By submitting, I mean the wife allows her husband to make the decisions for the household after issues are discussed between the two of them. I believe that together they lay out the pros and the cons, but at the end the decision is the husband's to make. That is why it is imperative that the "husband love his wife as Christ loved the church, and be willing to give his life for her."

If I every marry, he would have to be someone how loves me with that kind of love, because if I am entrusting him to make decisions for me and our posterity he has to love me. He has to love me enough that he put us before himself when making the decision for our house. If I can't trust him to make sound, logical decisions, then he is not the one with whom I am supposed to be for the rest of my life. He'd have to be man enough to make sound decisions, and not rely on me, his help, to wear the pants and make decisions.

This is why marriage scares me. For the first time in my life, I would have to compromise on the majority of the decisions that I am used to making on my own. I have lived on my own since I was 19; I've made all the decisions on where to live, when to change jobs, what to cook, when to wash, how I like my apartment kept, how clean and when is it acceptable too be a little out of order, who can come over, and when.

I can't imagine having a roommate let alone someone who has equal or more say than I do in our home. That is a bit much for me. I am not willing to trade in my privacy and my ability to just be. Maybe I am young, but I know that marriage is work. You don't stumble upon a good marriage. You NEVER stumble upon a good marriage. It is work. Even though I am alone [relatinshipswise] and I live alone, I still never find the time to feel lonely. Everyone is usually so shocked that I'm not, but I'm not. I can't see being so lonely that a dog can't provide a quick fix.

Yes. I see my friends, and cousins in their relationships that are leading towards marriage, and those of them who have children already. I don't want that, very little if anything about that intruiges me now. Like I said, maybe I'm young, but I hope I stay this way forever.

8.17.2005

I'll ____ Before I'm 50

After readin'g Kim's and Mike's I decided I'd make a To-Do list of my own. Let's see how much I do before 50.

  1. Sing a whole song on key without cracking.
  2. Go to the first Superbowl in which the Houston Texans participate!
  3. Name all 50 states without looking at a book or a map.
  4. Finish my dynastyevents.com website (it's been under construction for a year)
  5. Finish my undergrad degree
  6. Pay off my student loan
  7. Pay off the University of Houston
  8. Pay off my credit card
  9. Go to Hawaii
  10. Go to France
  11. Get a passport
  12. Buy a hybrid (the Toyota Priapus would be nice)
  13. Buy a garden home
  14. Buy rental properties
  15. Have an office job
  16. Take the stage again
  17. Buy a motorcycle
  18. Speak French fluently
  19. Speak Spanish fluently
  20. Learn how to break up with someone (nicely)
  21. Break up with someone one
  22. Get married
  23. Have kids
  24. Get Divorced
  25. In that order
  26. Make old-fashioned ice cream [in the wooden bucket]
  27. Stop reading people's away messages as a past time
  28. Blog at least once a week
  29. Write a movie, a book, or a play It was viewed by nearly 14,000 people
  30. Get involved in church
  31. Read my Bible everyday
  32. Stay at one church for at least 10 years
  33. Vote in every election
  34. Hold Houston Texans season tickets ever year
  35. Watch golf
  36. Work for myself as an independent consultant of in some capacity
  37. Meet Heath Ledger (I can't now-- mayhe RIP)
  38. Meet Shemar Moore
  39. Meet Ashely Judd
  40. Meet David Carr
  41. Stop fucking cursing
  42. Be an extra in a major motion picture
  43. Send my kids to The Kinkaid School
  44. Pay for my kids' higher education without financial aid
  45. Buy stock in something lucrative


And so she shopped...and a couple Happy Birthdays

First of all, August is a month of many birthdays for those whom receive mine own affections. I take birthdays very seriously, especially mine. I make it a point to be the first person to say happy birthday, so I stay awake until 11:59 the night before and start dialing numbers so when the clock strikes 12 MY voice is the one they hear! Since I was a slacker today and yesterday, really I just couldn't force myself to care too much this year, I decided I didn't have to be the first... I would just blog a birthday note thusly imortalizing it.

So here we go:
  1. To the sexiest (because he's one of the smartest) double-digit Madison Marlin to ever grace the streets of Hiram Clarke... Gordon Lemond #44 c/o '95 August 16. We do not know how old he really is.... and neither does he!
  2. Another Madison Marlin whoes name I'm no longer allowed to say, and in whoes life I'm no longer allowed (see Untitled) The Name I'm Not Allowed to Say c/o '01 August 17th (today). I know his real age, but if you ask him to tell you, he'll prolly lie and say he's older.
  3. My cutsie little girly-non-girly cousin who has to put up with my other two very boyish boy cousins... poe her. Tyra Cole O'Neal c/o a long way from now August 18th
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU GUYS/and GAL

Speaking of birthday notes. My cousin and I decided that I need to creatively create a cutsie birthday card in Flash that says:
"Eff U and Your Birthday!!!"
and send this card to people we loathe. I'll get to work on it immediately!

So yesterday I went shopping. Yes. Shopping-- for clothes not DVDs. The whole reason I went shopping was to buy shirts and shoes. I wanted new shirts, and I need new shoes. If any of you are loyal readers you know how much I loathe shopping for vetements. However, I drug myself into the shopping center. Tried on a bit of everything... even button down shirts; I normally stay away from those because my boobs are too big and the buttons normally gap at the boosom area, but if I go up a size then the rest of the shirt will looks like a parachute, and I'm scared I'd fly away.

Anyway, I tried on tons of items, and bought quite a few things. However, I realized that when I left, I'd only purchased blazers, jackets, pants, and skirts! FOR WHAT REASON DID I SAY I NEEDED TO GO SHOPPING? SHOES AND SHIRTS! I did not buy one pair of shoes nor any shirts...can you say OFF TASK. [matters not the jackets, skirts, and the slacks are way cute].

8.15.2005

Interrogation or Conversation

I have had numerous people become annoyed with me because I don't ask them questions about them. Because I never ask questions about them, they assume I don't care about getting to know them, and I am only self absorbed, and into myself. Oye vey. They are absolutely correct; there are many questions I really just couldn't careless about asking.
  1. I couldn't care less about what type of music you listen like. Why do people even ask this question anyway? What? Am I supposed to go out and buy you random Hip Hop CD's because you tell me you like Hip Hip bountee bountee music?
  2. I'm not going to ask you if you like to dance. I am especially not going to ask you if you are a girl, because I have no plans on dancing with you in the first place.
  3. I'm not going to ask you want you like to do on weekends and in your spare time. I just think "what do you like to do in your spare time?" is a stupid question.
  4. I'm not going to ask your favorite color, because it really doesn't matter: I'm not going to go out and buy you a pink dog that dances to hip hop while roller blading to the movies on Saturdays.
Please however, understand that just because I don't ask you "what's your favorite cereal?" that does not mean I am not interested in you. If I have talked to you more than twice in my life, chances are that I do care to get to know more about you, but crazy and wild thought coming I tend to get my information from good ole conversation. I'm just looking for peope who understand the "show don't tell method." If I say what do you like to do, and you say, "Sing, run, and blog," well then that kinds of sums it up.. no need to go any further. However if we just hold a naturally flowing conversation you afford me the opportunity to use context clues!

I use context clues. If we are on the phone and you tell me about your recent trips to Cali, Luxenburg, and Austrailia the I am going to assume you like to travel. I'm not going to ask you, if you like to travel.

If you mention in a conversation that you were watching the game last night, then I am going to assume you like sports. I am probably going to be right, unless you were just so bored to death that you had absolutely nothing else in the world to do but watch a televised version of a past time which you dispise.

Believe it or not, whether I appear to be or not, I am a very good listener. I don't just hear and wait for my turn to say something [about myself]; I listen. I have actually been able to catch a few people in a couple of lies by doing just that: listening. You can believe that if you are important to me, I am probably not only listening, but synthesizing, and storing everything that you say to me.

Now on to me being self-consumed. I am sorry if anyone feels that way. If it seems as though I talk about myself a lot [which I do not think I do] it is only because I feel like if me listening to others talk about themselves is how I get to know them, then one would need to hear me talk about myself in order for him/her to get to know me. Go figure.

I have a hard time answering the "what do you like to do for fun?" "what kind of food do you like?" blah blah blah questions. Sorry, but I've never sat down and made a list of "things that I like to do for fun." So it's hard for me to answer that question. However, if you really just have a burning desire to know more infor the Miss Krys 100 may help you out.

Bottom line: I would rather a conversation to an interrogation any day and twice on Sundays. So, I'll promise to never ask the lame-o questions if you will please return the favor.

8.14.2005

NEW TEXANS FOOTBALL SEASON

Yesterday marked the beginning of a NEW TEXANS FOOTBALL SEASON I've been waiting on this day for months: ever since missing the Longhorns in the Rose Bowl on January 1st of this year and the last Texans game that I attended when they beat the Titans.

The Texans started their season yesterday [with a loss]. Granted, it was only a preseason game, and David Carr wasn't pitching... I mean quarterbacking, so there is still hope. Here are the things I'm hoping for this season:
  1. Fewer Carr sacks [last year there were like 46]
  2. More wins [but what fan doesn't hope for more wins?]
  3. Attendance to more games [I think I'll go ahead and section off a portion of my budget to include purchasing season tickets for next year's games] until then, I'll just have to pay for individual games, but I'll have to make more than just the one I made last year
  4. To find my Texans towel so I can waive it at the games
  5. MOST IMPORTANTLY! For David Carr to let his hair GROW AGAIN! Whoo hoo. I know he's married, but I can still look.
In other football news, I am also looking forward to watching those boys in Auburn finally beat OU this year! Go Vince Go! Hook 'em Horns! The University of Texas football season officialy beings on September 3 when they play Louisianna-Lafayette. This means, if it is a Saturday, and they are playing DO NOT CALL ME unless you are watching the game too.
  • I've been a Vincent Young fan since high school-- and it won't stop now! Hook'em Horns!
  • I'll be watching for my friend Will Martin (Kunta) who is spicing things up at Texas A&M Kingsville, and is currently ranked number 1 on the DII 2006 NFL Draft Prospects for defense.
  • Let's hear a WHO! HAH! for my former private school aquaintance Austine Nwabuisi who now plays for the New York Jets! Maybe I'll have to get satellite so I can watch all his games.
  • I guess I'll have to add Chicago Bears games to my lineup since Cedric Benson is now a BEAR!
My girl CHRISTAL SEAHORN gets her own paragraph! Congrats on making cut! She's a Houston Energy (WPFL) player. I'll have to get season tickets to the Women's Professional Football League.

FOOTBALL IS FINALLY BACK!

8.13.2005

Fondest Memories...No Regrets... and Thankful Cognitions

Today I watched a family burry its 14-year-old daughter. How hard must that be? I could not even begin to miagine. However, and I know people grieve differntly, this family was like a rock. A great thing is watching a family who's man is the head of his household, and is a solider for Christ. I can't imagine what it must be like to burry a child, but I can imagine that having a faith strong enough to which one can cling must be imeprative.

In the father's expressions he said he importuned God to "help him stand like a pine tree fore it may waiver but it will not break."

Since receiving the news about one of my former students [who became a ] family friend, I was fairly unemotional. I heard about her death, but I hadn't realized it until I drove up to the church last night and saw the herse parked in the lot. At that moment, I felt my heart flutter saying "Krys, it's really real." I stood outside fo the church for a a little while trying to prepare myself for what I knew lied in store for me, and the hundreds of friends and family standing outside as well.

I wasn't prepared for what was inside. I finally gathered up enough strength to go inside of the building, and inside on the large screen of this semi-mega church was a slide show of stil pictures...and a home video clip of her playing football with her family. She'd run a touchdown and the clip was of her running the touchdown, and her celebrating afterwards. She jumped all aorund wiht ehr hand in the air, knowing her, you could tell she was yelling and being April. Many people spoke of the light which she brought to their life. There really are no words to descibe her. You really just had to know her.

Of all of my students April is definately one of the three most unforgettable, and I am thankful for that cognition. I am thankful for the priviledge of having known her [and knowing her still].

Even though I hate when people do this, I guess I understand why now, I'm taking a vow today to live life! I am going to live big, just like April. I am not going to squander a moment, and more importantly, I don't want another person dear to me to die for me to be reminded of this vow. When I know I love someone, I am going to tell him/her whether s/he wants me to or not. I won't be affraid to love, and love big. I will realize when I've been bad or have veered off track and when I get back ont he right road, I will acknowledge from how far I've come. I will pray for and with people. I'll laugh. I'll smile, and I will bask in all things that are comprised in this life.

8.06.2005

In Loving Memory of Great Kid

"And I loved deeper, and I spoke sweeter, and I gave forgiveness I've been denying. Someday I hope you get the chance, to live like you were dying."

Maybe there is irony in the fact that recently I posted Live Like You Were Dying. Today an amazing kid died. She is a child with whom I became aquainted though my older sister, and I taught her occasionally when I would subsitute at her school.

When I heard the news that she had died as a result of a car accident, my first thought [after realizing that it was for real] was what a great kid, what a great life. She was maybe 14 yeas-old, but had been such a bright light to many who knew her. She'd become a bright light to those who didn't really know her at all. Her personality, her attidude, her humor captured you. She was able to make put a genuine smile on the faces of all who attended my sister's wedding with her tribute to my sister and brother in law at their reception. Everyone at some point said, who's that girl? She's so funny. It is sad, and it is easy to feel as though it is unfair for such a great child to be taken away from us. I didn't cry for her, and that concerned me a little, because she was definately close and I was quite fond of her.

Through the hours I came to realize that I was at peace because there was no regret there. Yes I am quite miffed that a kid with her character, and charisma, and charm, and humor, and spunk is no longer with us. However, what makes it easy [and I do not mean to sound selfish here] is that I can't remember one ill word said between the two of us. I can't remember ever having an argument with her, and if we had had an arugument it was resolved most immediately. It's really kind of wonderful to know that when someone passes if they were to have a last memory of you, it could have been a good one.

I will make an effort, and strive to build this type of relationship with everyone I know: those with whom I am extremely close, and those whom I merely encounter only briefly in their [or my] lifetime.

You will most certainly be missed, but you will maintain a special place in my heart and in the hearts of those whom you touched while you were here. Until we meet again my dear friend, A. 1991-2005.

En Francais Ce Soire

Alors, j'etait sur caramail aujourd'hui, et j'ai decide blogger en francais ce soire. J'ai trouver que j'adore chattant sur caramail. Parceque j'habite en Texas, et rien personne d'ici parle francais, j'ai besoin de trouver des moyen practiquer mon francais.

Avec chattant en francais, j'ai commence regarder mes DVD en francais alors je peux le compredre quand je l'entends. Je lire les livres en francais aussi, alors je peux devenir meillure avec le langue.

Quand j'avais 12 ans, j'ai pense' que j'ai vu devenir un chef. Alors quand il etait le temps choissir mon deuxieme langue a l'ecole, j'ai choissi francais. La bas, il y a un ecole de culinaire qui s'appelle Courd En Bleu qui est le meiux ecole pour fair de cooking. Quand je pris les classes au lycee j'ai decide que je n'ai pas voulu devenir chef, mais jai continue suivre les classes francais.

Mes notes dans cet classes etaient terrible parceque je le parle meillure que je l'ecrit. Alors, j'ai fatigue mainenant, alors je vais me reposer. A plus tard.

5 Qs 4 U-- A Blog Meme

As I have received interview questions from two different peope I figured I would just combine the two into one post. The pastel green being from anglogerman and the sky blue from Gwynne; enjoy!

While blog surfing today, in order to increas my blog traffic, and in search of something new and interesting I found something! Thanks to Gwynne I have discovered the blog meme.

1. What purpose do you think God has for you on earth?
I really wish I knew, because I would work arduously at fullfilling it; however, as I do not know, I will take it all one step at a time until my purpose is revealed.

2. What do you love most about yourself and why?
The traits I love most about myself are my independence [both financially and emotionally]; If we are talking about physical traits that I love the most about myself, they would have to be my legs and my voice [although that is not so physical].

3. What issue - social, political or anything else - is most likely to make you get up on your soapbox?
There are a couple actually. Anything that has to do with racial excuses, welfare, education, and the social dehumanizing of the "big girl" will have me up in arms with closed fists ready to fight [well not fight really because I don't know how to, but I'll definately bring out the polysyllabic words!]. I really hate when people talk about the pathology as opposed to just saying "I have the power to make a decision and affect my own outcome."

4. Have you ever had an experience which made it clear to you that your angels are looking after you?
Absolutely. My grandmother died 5 days before my sophomore semester finals were supposed to start. That semester I attended classes from 8a.m. to 12noon, and I worked from 1:00pm to 11:00pm 5 days a week, and then studying Calc and Physics at IHOP from about 11:30pm to 2:00am on average everyday for an entire semester. I was living off of Red Bulls, and coke, and IHOP pancakes basically [ I grocery shopped but only really had time to cook on weekends]. Well when my grandmother died, I spent that last week of classes in my home town attending mournnig services and spending time with my family while studying for my upcoming finals. The semester had completely exhausted me, and on my way back to San Antonio the morning of one of my finals my tire went out in a very racist town in between Houston and San Antonio. I fixed it on the side of the road, but as I had been sleep deprived, I still found it hard to stay awake, and after I returned to the road, a few miles into San Antonio, I fell asleep behind the wheel, and drove clean off of the highway onto the grassy area inbetween 10W and 10E. I ended up right next to 10W facing E. I cried and realized that the degree after which I was seeking so diligently would be worthless if I killed myself in the process of getting it. I thanked God that falling asleep and driving off the freeway into the other side of the traffic didnt kill me. I took my finals, and scored very well on them, and I transfered back to a less financially stressful university in Houston. I am glad my angels were watching over me because my family wouldn't have been able to handle loosing both me and my grandmother in less than a week's time.

5. How did Jesus become your Savior?
I've been told stories of Jesus since my own inception. I'd known of Jesus from birth and He was as important to me as air in the respect that I've always had it so I never really thought of what life would be like without him. However, it was not until I moved out on my own and developed a relationship with a God I'd come to seek, not my parents' God [well same God but I feel he has a different purpose in my life] did I see Jesus as my Savior. His story, while far out and hardly plausible, made sense to me, so I accepted it.

1. Did you have an allowance as a child? If so, how much was it? What did you spend it on?
Well, from what I remember, I received an allowance of $20 a week from the time I was like 7 to about hmm I can't remember. It went up once I got my car at 16 and had to start paying for gas. Then I got a job and "allowance? what allowance?" I didn't really spend my money on too much. I'd tithe 10% to church. Save 20% and then loan shark out the rest for with interest!
2. What song do you hate the most? Why?
My least favorite song right now is Fantasia's Free Yourself. While I have nothing against Fantasia [hence her song title as a part of my blog title] this song and Baby Momma are just rediculous. She really needs to ask Simon if someone can write her better choruses.
3. List the 10 best things about being you.
I am single; I am saved; I live on my own; I have a good job; I work with all guys; I'm very good with math/money/numbers; I am not sick; I have loyal friends and a loving family; I've only been hurt once;... oh that was 10 right?
4. What is your reason for getting out of bed each morning?
Wow, what a great question. As sick as it sounds, my main reason for getting out of bed every morning is work. I truly enjoy it. I look forward to it everyday. Other than that, I kinda just get up to look forward to whatever new thing comes my way. I also look forward to reading my daily devotional by Joel Osteen; it is really starting to help me get my priorities straight.
5. Tell one thing about yourself that nobody knows.
If given the opportunity, I would like to either rewind my life back to tenth grade, and make some different decisions; or fast forward ten years to see where I would be then; and if I was not happy with the fast forward versionthe I would definately want to rewind to tenth grade and make a few different choices.

Other than that I um speak English backwards fluently, and I was a contestant on Family Feud (and we lost).
As per the rules:

1. If you want to participate, leave a comment saying "Interview me". ("Tickle me" or "Caress me" are not acceptable substitutes.) You must leave your blog address so that I can think of good questions for you.
2. I will respond by asking you five questions - each person's will be different. I'll post the questions in the comments section of this post.
3. You will update your blog with the answers to my questions.
4. You will include this explanation
and an offer to interview others in your post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

8.03.2005

The Time Is Right

When the time is right, you'll know. I have no idea what I'm saying here. I just thought it would sound good to blog about the right time for different things.

Let's see, the right time is:
  1. 5:00 p.m. - to leave work
  2. Age 26 - to get married
  3. Age 28 - to have a first child
  4. Age 24 - to buy a house
  5. when you open your eyes in the morning - to thank God for a new day.
  6. never -to whine or complain.
  7. when your eyes start to feel heavy - to go to sleep.
  8. Saturday night - to go to church to avoid the Sunday morning hoard.
  9. Everymorning - to vacuum your house, air your sheets and read the paper.
  10. every three days - to shampoo your hair [yes even if you are black].
  11. every other day- to wash your sheets
  12. as soon as you think it you think it - to tell someone you love him/her.
  13. every three hours - to eat and regulate your metabolism.
  14. right now - to stop this rediculous list that has no true substance.
  15. five minutes from now- to go to sleep.