7.22.2005

Untitled

I spent a bit of trying to figure out what to title this piece, but nothing seemed to hit it just right. There was "I Loved Him. And He Hates Me." However, this leaves out the finality of the current un-situation. There was "One Last Cry," but that makes way for the word never, and I'm not quite sure that I will never cry again. Then there was "It's Just Different." I had to settle for an untitled piece.

Today he told me that there he thinks we need to close the lines of communication between us, and not talk to each other
at all
anymore
period.
I do not dispute this charge, which I initiated many times previously, but was unable to keep; when he says it, it's just different. I have known him nearly all of my life [about 18 of 22 years], six of which I have been head over heels inamoured, infuriated, miffed, speechless, livid and in love with him. In those six years we have infuriated each other often, but have always reconciled. We've hated each other, at the same time, and at different times; but I always found my way back to love. That is why this time, when I can't even remember why he could be effin pissed off at me, I can't begin to understand "Why now?"

We have not really talked in a while; we have not seen each other in seven months [which is not unusual when one goes to school out of state]; and we have not laughed together since longer than that I'd imagine. So why is this so hard? Why is him telling me that he no longer wishes to talk to me
at all
anymore
period.
a big deal now? I think it's because of the finality of it all, and the fact that I don't know why. Maybe he is just growing up, and realizing that we are static, and will never progress [the way, I am sure, he saw our situation from the very beginning while I was crafting kids' names from his initials].

Q. Why is it a big deal? Why do I even care?
  1. Because I do.
  2. Because even though I have known for a very long time that nothing would ever come of the two of us, I still just do.
  3. Because I think of him everyday, and pray for him [in secret] more than I pray for anyone else.
  4. Because I have never been shut out of anyone's life before, and for the first person to close the door in my face to be him, well, it's really hard.
  5. Because I do.
After we said our final goodbyes. I shook it off, and decided it was close enough to my bedtime to just go to sleep. I decided that I would not cry; I would not even think about it anymore. But as soon as I crawled under my red sheets, I became a girl. He has always made me act-- no, I have always acted so out of character because of him. I was not going to cry, but as soon as I was in that space where we once [a few times] had been, the silent tears were not going to be contained by the stoical persona to which I cling so strongly. I became a girl under those sheets. Lying there I thought I want to burn these sheets. I want to burn my journals. I broke the CD's he gave me, because I am supposed to rid myself of anything which reminds me of him right? Well I can rid myself of the tangible things, but what about the memories? How do you do that?

More importantly how, am I going to get through the day after I pray for him in the morning--because it has become habit-- knowing that I am no longer allowed to speak to him. Ignorance is bliss; I wish I had never initiated a conversation with him tonight because tonight I might have still been ignorant to the fact that he no longer sees a point in talking to me
at all
anymore
period.

My sister told me to just let it go, and my cousin said the same thing. I know that is what I should do. But it's hard. Mainly hard because he was the only person I'd ever let in in that way. I willingly gave him all of me, and more. When others who even held the title of boyfriend were never able to break the icy exterior. And I feel foolish. Foolish for allowing him to be the one to bring down my walls. Could I have not been a better judge of character? I don't let people in immediately because I feel like I must observe them for a long time before. Had I not observed him enough in the twelve years of congnition before I decided to trust enough to be open?

This is my fault, and I cannot blame anyone but myself. For I have loved in vain. With everything I had, I loved in vain. The care packages, in vain. The homemade chocolate chip cookies sans nuts, in vain. The long late Saturday-night talks, in vain. The writings, in vain. The early morning prayers, in vain.

After I cried like the girl that I am not, I decided to shower hoping the flow of water would drown out my tears. Thankfully it did. And as it rained on me, I thought of song after song, that I felt had been written for me in this moment. There were hundreds of them in a matter of minutes. Hundreds of lines, which could have predicted this moment in my life, came just a few hours too late. It's crazy, because even now I feel like just give me one last time. I need just one last time to kiss his lips: I need to feel the emptiness there (but I would savor the taste forever). One more time to look upon his eyes: I need to see a chilled reflection of myself in them (so I know what "no more" looks like). One more time to hear his voice: I need to hear the nonchalant tone which would seal our fate.

I shall have to retire the name Tanalan; I've decided not to have children so the name is up for grabs. This decision came before this night. I decided before tonight to never share my life with anyone. I was incapable before him of being open and now one shall have to pry my emotions open with a crow bar crafted by Zeus himself. But what is scary is that all walls crumble: the walls of Jericho, they crumbled; the walls of Troy, they failed. My walls now, shall be greater than those which guarded the city of Troy; they will be forged of Fe.

I hate her. Is that wrong? I do not even know who her is, and I do; I hate her. I don't even know if there is a her yet, but there will be. And I will hate her. I hate her for being better for him than I. I hate her for being more attractive to him than I. And I hate her for being smarter than I-- wait that's just not possible! Whew that felt good! I laughed. I'm baaaack. Even though I hate her, I will pray that she is all to him that she should be. Just because you love someone who doesn't love you back, doesn't mean you wish the worst for him, and I don't. I don't wish the worst for him.

11 comments:

Vixen said...

Hey Miss Krys, Breakups are always hard. No matter what people say, the truth is that you can't just 'get over it'. It takes time, time to heal wounds, time to make all the thoughts in your head nothing but a dull memory. Give it time. I once read an article that it takes 1/2 the time you are in a relationship with someone to fully get over them. So I guess we can't call you crazy until you have been pining for said guy for over 3 years.

After that we will drag you out and force you to move on to the next best thing even if we have to shove him down your throat. j/k

Seriously though, this too shall pass. Let those tears fall, trust me it helps. I'll be back to check up on you. (((((((((((KRYS))))))))

Nice blog btw...stop by the Bad Girls Guide often:)

Anonymous said...

You know normally I don't write, but...

just to prepare you, there will be many more nights when you cry, hate that heffa who stole yo man, and wish for one chance to do all the things you figured out too little too late to do before. but on the other side of that mountain, there is possibility in shapes and sounds you can't even imagine. so yes, take time to heal, but do that, heal; don't die. deciding to not be open, to not love, to not feel is to be dead and you miss all the beauty of life. love is everywhere. in everything. in every sex. "be open, and who knows, lightening might strike."

Alice: In Wonderland or Not said...

Without these often angst causing feeling we are dead. I'd rather be alive.
I understand as to how one might feel this way though and tend to keep myself out of situations where things such as this occur.
You write very well, it is always nice to read a blog where someone close to my age is not writing like a middle schooler.

Time passes; things become vague memories which invoke nothing more but a passing twinge in the heart.




Cooper

The Dude who never reads said...

I dont know how this blog came to be or what started it, but it seems ever so often i seem to be the topic of these blogs. Since i dont know what conversation happened since i have not talked to you in a while, but whatever it was i guess it happened. Since you dont believe that i read these i guess you still have a lot to learn about the one person who always seems to confuse the hell out of everyone including you.

Miss Krys said...

Thanks guys, but I need to clarify-- this was not a break up; we never dated; I just accidentally love(d) him [because I'm a nut].

For those who do not reccommend shutting myself off, please understand this decision was made a long time ago, and not as a result of this conversation last night.

There are 6.4 million more women in America than men; there are 1.4 million more black women in America than black men. I am graciously letting those other 1.399999 million women duke it out. See, I'm merely being a model citizen. I enjoy living alone, and I wouldn't trade it for the world. I can have people in my space when I want them here, and when I do I can tell them to leave-- such is not the case with a spousal unit and or posterity. See, I told you guys--- I'M BAAAAACKKKKK

STOICS UNITE!

Miss Krys said...

And what is this no love is death bullish?

No O2 is death. No love is a stressfree exsistence.

Jelly said...

You're pretty! And you're probably right, Ex's are the devil.

Anonymous said...

Without ever loving means you emotionaless, and without emotions we are nothing. Emotions make us who we are, and control what we do. Without the love emotion will you ever really know if it is the right guy who could be right in your face. Would you have any regrets?

The Important One said...

I think that without emotions we cant be, and seeing as though love is an emotion you/we can't do without it. Like the person above I think love IS what makes us who we are and controls what we do. Without love we can not be, so never close yourself out from anyone because of this one guy. If infact the love of your life is right infront of you, you could regret it.

What I am really trying to say is Love is everywhere, you shouldnt close yourself up. Humans cant live sanely without the love of someone,not just family and friend love either.(Well they can but it would be a miserable life, and would get tired of being alone.) Dont let this one man Ruin what another man could love and cherish for the rest of his and your life.

Be Easy.Be You.

Anonymous said...

Krys,

are you making all this stuff up? This sounds like a soap opera, or a
movie, or something. This is unbelievable!!!

Anonymous said...

Whatever that is some bullshit. I think I would remember having that conversation with you. An seeing as though i dont where are you getting this stuff from you need to stop.