2.28.2005

My Favorite Things

First things first. HAPPY BIRTHDAY STUBABY!!

I had typed a whole like of my favorite things and it disappeared. There were over 45 things on the list so I am not retyping it... but 45 is my favorite number.

2.27.2005

Better Without the Attention: This is not My Game to Play

All of this new attention is really starting to get to me.

These past few weeks has made me wonder, if I have suddenly gotten prettier, smarter, or more exciting. Is that the case or is it that I am finally letting go of the "one" whom I suspected to be "the one" for so long. For the past five years I have worn blinders that have only allowed me to see one man. My sights, my adoration, my intrigue all lay in his existence. With the passing of the New Year, for the first time my fixation on him has really begun to fade. I often think in terms of him. When I meet a new guy, I habitually compare him to the divested "one."

What's odd though, is that for the past few years I'd whine about there being no one else for me. I whined about the attention that my other female friends received when we'd go out, and how I was always the "What's up with your girl?" girl. They [my friends] swore that dudes would flirt with me, and that I was so oblivious that I'd just ignore them. I didn't ignore them. I just didn't know they existed. Now I am starting to wonder. Recently, more guys have found interest in me in the last month, than in the last two or three years combined. What's strange, is that the attention that I once coveted, I no longer want. I do not know how to handle those who are interested. Strangely enough there is one who has caught my attention, but as for the others, I have a hard time saying "You're not my type." However, I feel like that is so unfair, because I realize that I may not really have a type.

I've cared deeply about one person, in that intimate, affectionate sense. Is it really right to define my type based on the things I liked about him? Is it really legitimate for me to say, "You didn't play football, so you are not my type," or "You are too tall, so you are not my type," or "You don't challenge me. You let me win too easily. You never say no. You always say yes. You don't hug me right. Your hair isn't good."

My sister always told me there were others. She used one extended metaphor and I thought it was so cheesy, but I guess it does make sense.
You go to the party alone, with a look that says, "Don't ask me to dance because I'm with him," but he is not there. You go out with blinders on, and you're not even willing to get out on the floor and dance. So don't say no one wants to dance with you. You tell them all no before they even have a chance to ask, and don't tell me you don't, because I've seen you do it.
Whatever the case. There are guys now, and now I know it, and now I don't want them around. Does that make me fickle? I just don't think I am really cut out for this relationship stuff. Maybe I feel that way because I have just never really seen a good relationship. I have watched my female friends screw over truely good guys. I have seen my amazing and beautiful male friends never get the girl-- because my guy friends are the marrying type, not the dating type. So can someone tell me, how does this all work? Actually, I don't really care. I don't want to deal with the dude from my job, the guy who has that oh so very pleasing obsession, the guy who just doesn't quite know what he wants from me, or the guy who sends me text messages from a number to which I am not accustomed. I don't know why chicks love having so many guys swoon over them. I think the what five with which I am dealing or have dealt with is way too much to handle. It's stressful. I'd rather just marry some random Joe Blow after just meeting. Weeding out the good ones, and the bad ones. That is just not my speed. Maybe I'll just need to retrain myself to focus on "good ole five year roller coaster boy" so I can put back on the blinders that kept me from going crazy over this for the last five years.

2.24.2005

Truth Is Ordinary People Can't Wait

I bet you all were wondering from where I derived the name for this blog. I attempted to be profound and create something so totally unique, and I had a massive brain lapse. Thusly, to name my blog, I simply resorted to the products of our pop culture. To what in tarnation am I referring?
Truth Is: Fantasia Barrino
Ordinary People: John Ledgend
Can't Wait: Avant
I know I cheated, but they do fit together so well don't they. Each one of those songs is important to me: Truth is for the one I fear I may never get over; Ordinary People, the daily reminder that this is all a process and that the dichotomy of life is infinite: you just never know; Can't Wait, the acknowledgement that when we want something, it's an immedate desire that we oft feel must be satiated immediately.

2.23.2005

26 Things I Hated about Him

This is an example of how to loose a girl in seven days!

I did it! Today I finally told the guy from work that I was not interested. Well, I didn't really tell him that I was uninterested, I told him that "I am not the type of person with whom he should want to pursue a relationship." I felt like that was nicer.

This ladies and gentlemen [let me preface this blog by noting that right now I am so very drunk] is my realization for today. I should not have any more relationships unless I feel like they could be indicative of marriage. That is bold, righ't? I know, but here is my reasoning. I simply cannot say, "I do not like you and I do not want to continue talking too you." In the past whenever I have been
ready to break up with someone, I could just never push myself to do it. Instead, I would begin to act like a complete dork or just ignore the person all together, quite rudimentry I know, but However, this guy -- not the subject of "The New Guy " from the February 11 blog-- this guy from work was just a real...hmm.. non-necessity.

Maybe I'll list. These things should have definately let me know from day one and onward to just under a week, that this dude completely lacked potential;
  1. He believes that Tupac was the nation's greatest philospher, and he believes that Tupac is still alive.
  2. He also tricked me into inviting him to my apartment after he got off of work [we work in the same building downtown] the first day I realized that he existed
  3. He attempted to talk to me for like thirty minutes to an hour about the Bible, and attempted to tell me how I didn't know the Word. This is funny because anyone who knows me knows that I grew up in the most religious house in the world and I had to read the Bible and watch Christian television shows all the damn time! Hello, know my dad-- know my argument here.
  4. He tried to kiss me [yuck] on day one, after I had given NO indication that I was interested. I've never kissed anyone on day one.
  5. When leaving my apt on day I, he decided to yell over my 4th floor balconey to the stackers at Walmart with whom he used to work. Mind you it is close to midnight and he is talking loudly [like a ghetto ***] and I live in an apartment complex with students, med students, and professional athletes who have to wake early.
  6. He used to work at Wal-Mart.
  7. He called to tell me that he was coming over my place [notice the verb here is to tell and not to ask]. This was only on day two of me realizing that he actually exists.
  8. When he called to tell me that he was coming over, he said that I should draw him a hot bath [at my damn house] for when he gets off, because he will need to relax. AND HE WAS SERIOUS! Please remember this is only day II, and relax?? He works in a parking garage!
  9. After avoiding him coming over my house on day II by my decision to go to church, he calls me at 10am on day III and says he is coming over. Obviously he has not learned by now the ask don't tell method. After informing him that i was debraiding my hair he continues on with an I don't care about that. I'll be there in under an hour. I try to deter again, however, I loose [I'm way too nice]
  10. "Under an hour"---He came over three hours later.
  11. Upon coming over even after I have expressed my discomfort with company while debraiding, as I ignore him by watching "The Patriot" he sits his ass on my sofa and reads his news paper [ which he leaves on my sofa when he leaves]. Like it's his damn house or something. Can someone explain to me why he couldn't read the paper at his house?
  12. The he was going to go to check out the new car dealerships President's Day sales, because if you have some kinda money they will "work with you"
  13. He also was going to go to Con's and "put something on" his third laptop. Hmm, put something on, does that mean lay-a-way?
  14. He does not have a cell phone. -- Get a cell phone before this alledged new car and 3rd laptop.
  15. Once he called from work and told me he was gonna come over, and he probably wasn't going to call before he comes! **Come to my house without calling first and be prepared to stand outside. I do not say who is it. I look through the peephole and I have no qualms about pretending no one is at home, unless you know you are someone whom I'd want to see.
  16. He asked me if I'd missed him after going ONE WHOLE DAY without talking to him. I don't miss anyone after one day. I wouldnt' miss my husband after one day, even if it was two days after we got married.
  17. After I told him no I didn't miss him, he told me he could give me something that would really make me miss him-- he was referring to sex. Arrugh.
  18. Never once did he ask me out. No movie no nothing. Just wants to sit at my apartment all of the damn time.
  19. He says "Ya feel me" way too much. I hate that phrase.
  20. He works in the parking garage of my building [I know, I know, my fault].
  21. He talked to me about sex within our first conversation-- BIG ASS NO NO
  22. He may be an inch shorter than me [he was standing on a curb when I met him]
  23. He is like two years older than me and his lives at home with his parents!!!!!
  24. He likes to cuddle-- arrugh.
  25. He doesn't argue right-- completely infultrated with opinions without substantial facts.
  26. He thought he knew more about the Academy Awards than I do. Bigger Effin No No
Even with all of those issues I still found it hard to say... I just don't think this is gonna work out. I have been agonizing over this since day three. I do not lie, but I was even contemplaiting telling him a very carefully crafted lie as to not hurt his feelings. "A guy whom I have been dating and I decided that we would date exclusively now, so we shouldn't talk anymore." That lie grew into "I am pregnant and I don't think it would be a good idea for us to talk anymore." Then I remembered that we work together and he would have figured out that I was lying because I am not pregnant. That is when I realized I would just have to tell the truth. So, after avoiding him for days six and seven he finally started happening to see me during the middle of the day!!!!! I work in the building on the 39th floor; he, outside in the parking garage. Now how is that possible! So I finally told him a version of the "it's not you, it's me" line. I told him Im not the time whom he should want to be with becuase I'm really just not interested in anybody! Ha- okay so I lied a little!

I had to listen to him whine about why? Had I heard something about him? Was it something he said? YES SUCKA HOW ABOUT "I'M COMING TO YOUR HOUSE AFTER I GET OFF WORK, RUN ME A BATH, AND FIX ME DINNER"
GET A GRIP ON REALITY!!

2.22.2005

Don't Make Excuses. Just Do What's Right.

What follows is a reaction to the comment left from "The L word, and the C word" See yesterday's blog

I do not recall the initial blog having anything to do with race. I did not say that the murderer was black. But if you want to ask why blacks are arrested more often, then yes their is legitimacy in saying they are targeted. However, there is also truth in saying that blacks tend to commit more impulsive crimes. Whereas other races, may tend to be more strategic-making an effort to make the burden of truth arduous. I mean, really, you shoot someone in broad daylight with many witnesses-- the prosecutor has little to do in his feat of carrying the burden of truth. Pretty easy to get a conviction in an impulsive crime.

In all honesty, the why and the pathology, if constantly discussed merely gives those an excuse. Less than 150 years ago many of us [blacks] were still enslaved. The millions of us who have progressed and risen to the level of success that some of us [blacks] have, did not do so by making excuses. --Because slaves were moved from place to place it caused black men to be promiscuous and not have a sense of monogamy, and that's why they cheat and have so many kids and do not take care of all of them.-- That is an excuse and it ignores the fact that even though the majority of the blacks in America are the descendents of slavery, there are still many black men who have "avoided the curse of slavery" and stayed monogamous, and have taken care of their families, and have only had children with one woman. Why? I am willing to bet that many of these men were raised with Christian or fairly conservative values: values that say, "This is right. This is wrong. Do right. Do not make excuses."

Stop finding the why for the behavior and just start saying--do not do what is wrong. That slavery excuse is just as bad as some parent saying, "I know my child does not do the right thing all the time, but it's just because he is misunderstood. It's really a cry for attention." No the truth is: the kid is bad, he hears the parent make excuses for his behavior and thusly, is not inclined to change.

Part II

"The liberating Jesus Christ" Well obviously, he was the ultimate liberator with conservative values. Conservative values in their very nature find their foundation in Christianity: not religion, but the lessons taught by Christ. In that case, I guess you are right there is freedom-liberation- in moral-conservative- beliefs.

Thusly, I am inclined to ask you if Jesus was either enlightened or unintelligent. Not in attempts to start an argument, but Jesus condones the death penalty. As He hung there on the cross, he did not "deliver from the penalty of death" either of the thieves who hung there with Him. He deliver neither the obnoxious one who had not reformed, nor did He deliver the thief who "found Jesus" while carrying out his sentence. Those who commit heinous crimes may reform, and their forgiveness, ultimately is between them and their God. Jesus forgave the thief, and even granted him entrance into heaven, however he saw it not fit to deliver him back unto the people.

2.21.2005

The "L" word and the "C" word..Arrugh!

Not Love. Not Confession. . . Liberal and Conservative (Part I)
This series is for you 1209

Do you ever encounter those people that have learned to sneak politics into every conversion at every possible chance they can get. Everything is either liberal or conservative. I have an acquaintance, and he likes to remind me, at every possible opportunity, that I am a conservative and that means that I am not at all progressive, and that my ideals are stagnant and not respectful of those who may be deemed different .

Yes. I am conservative. I do believe in fairly conservative ideals. However, I can respect those who do not. One of my best friends in the world is extreme left; I, extreme right. I believe in the death penalty. Had I not lived in Texas, where the decision was made for me, I probably still would have voted for Bush. I am avidly opposed to welfare, and I do not mind my tax money going to the army because ideally their job is to protect me and my safety. I think abortion is unethical [unless of course a result of rape, incest, or danger for the mother]. I think we should say "One nation under God," because this nation was founded as a nation under God. I am a patriot, and I have a love for the state of Texas that would almost rival my love for my own family. Lastly, I believe education should be federalized and that everyone should pay for school: not just property owners. That is what I believe. These are my ideals, my morals, and my values.

The previous paragraph is an example of me exploding. While I do believe firmly in all of the above mentioned topics, they are not something I allow to consume my life. However, I've come to learn that some people cannot separate life from politics. So if they want me to give them something to talk about, I do it.

My views on the liberals. Extreme lefts, in my opinion, do nothing more than continuously make up excuses for those who are morally lacking. "Just say no to the death penalty!" Why?!?! I say kill them on national television. You loose a percentage of your rights when you commit a crime so heinous that one -- no a jury of twelve of your peers think you ought to die. If you've committed murder, you deserve to be killed publicly the way you killed your victims! That is what I think, and that is my perogative. Whereas a liberal would say: Who to say who deserves to live or not? Tell that garbage to a woman who's only daughter has been raped, beaten, and tortured before being murdered. Who cares if that person is capable of reform? The world is a better place without him. Why leave him in a jail where my tax dollars and hard working taxpayers all over the country go to harbor people who's existence is a mockery in the eyes of the land we wish to create for our posterity. Do you know people in jail have cable?! I don't even have cable. I am paying for their cable bill.

I am not even going to start on Welfare here...That deserves its own blog. All I will say here is "If you can't feed'em, then don't breed 'em. Nasty fuckers!"

2.20.2005

Letting Go...Making Sense...Searching for Truth

When the time comes to finally let go, nothing will be able to stop that natural process.. everything in life operates on a delicate natural process, from birth to death we all proceed through life with the utmost caution. This caution is unnessecary because we are not the Fates who spin the wool that will determine where we turn. If we were we would never make a mistake because we would never do anything that we would regret later in life.

The things that I have been through durning my operant exsistence have not nearly been all a part of what I would make the plan for my life... I have loved too hard and love the wrong people, and I let the person whom I was supposed to love pass me right by. I have acted arrogantly and I though that since I was intelligent that was okay because I would get where I needed to be exactly when I deemed it necessary for me to be there. My philosophy works for me because it means I don’t have to regret anything in my life because ultimately it was all supposed to happen this way. Do not misunderstand me; I believe that today is the consequence of yesterday’s decisions. However, I am more focused on the events that we cannot control, such as anoter being emotions. Another being’s sanity. Another being’s devotion.

Everyone wonders why I focus so much on things of the mind and why I bask in working alone. Well my secret exposed: I fear the lack of control I have over my life once another being is involved. Why should I become stressed because I allow someone to penetrate my emotional barriers, and I begin to love them and they decide to leave me idling often for no reason, just because he can, and he doesn’t owe me any explainations.

2.18.2005

Sleep Time

Time elapses so quickly what if one day I wake up and can’t remember where it all went. Through love, through happiness, through time and space, I want to remember where my time went. Sometimes I ask myself the question, do I really have what it takes to get to where I want to be? What if in the end I end up like everyone else in my family? Why work so hard if I can’t know for certain that it will all be worth it. I think the scariest thing is knowing that no matter how hard you work, at the end of the day you may not end up with the thing for which you have so diligently toiled.

I look at these past four years with him, yes I must bring him up because he is very greatly a part of my life. Even if he doesn’t want to be, he is. I made up in my mind three and a half years ago that he was someone with whom I wanted to be. There was something striking about him, something intense, something that genuinely challenged me unlike anyone else had ever been able to do. It was nothing he said or did for that matter. It was the intensity of his eyes; their long thoughtful gaze and the furrowing of his brow, and I gather all of this during one simple card game. The way he thought about every play made that simple card game not so simple anymore. However resolute I was in being a part of his life, here I am three years, ten months and fourteen days from the day I made up my mind, and I am no closer to my goal than the day the race began. Now all I can think is, "All of that time, my time. All for not."

Should I have spent it differently? Should is a word that ought not be included in the English language, because that word in its very nature lends way for regret. Should I have said that? Should I have done this? Should I call him? Or should I wait? If I were too look back and say should I have left him alone three years ago, I am scared to know what my answer would be. I am scared to think, maybe I let some awesome person pass me by because he had my nose open. I am scared and will probably break down the day that I realize, he knows how wonderful of a person I am and that is still not enough for him. At the end of the day, he will want someone else, just as I have wanted him. The only difference is—they at some point—will want each other. I have given my years to someone who couldn’t care less.

written September.9.2003

2.15.2005

Drama. Bullish. Stress. Why I Won't Deal

My body is incapable of synthesizing drama.
Before I will allow drama to stress me out I will let that situation go. Possessing the ability to stay calm in most situations, affords me such luxury. I know that what I need is not going to take me to a point of emotional overload.

Why dwell in a world where drama thrives; bullish is tolerated; stress is a result? Personally, I am unwilling to live like that. I guess everyone must reach their limit before they choose to avoid drama at almost all cost. Having gone through one situation so dramatic it would have shamed Shakespere himself, I don't understand how people go through multiple situations like that.
Maybe some people are just prone to living in dramatic situations, even beyond the typical "baby mama drama," which I understand has become the type most referenced. There exist only two types of drama, I will excuse but will not tolerate in my own life, and thankfully, since I have no children, I do not yet have to. I excuse "baby mama drama" and "just the baby daddy drama." These types are only excusable if stimulated by the need to provide the best possible existence for an offspring, and not some evil ex's vendetta and determination to ruin someone else's life.

Pick Your Battles
Therefore, let history be our greatest teacher. Hundreds of years ago, two men decided to fight over one woman. The issue that ensued amongst a selfish prince who romanticized life and a old-foolhearted king has been referred to as the greatest love story of all time [by some ill-hearted knit-whits] causing the destruction of the two greatest nations of that time. Thousands and thousands of men died because Paris went poking around Helen, Agamemnon's woman. If the chick is gonna cheat let her go. Period. If the dude is going to cheat, let him go. Period. There is never a reason to fight over "love" if one willingly strays. Even God says that's a good enough reason for divorce, so it's probably a damn good reason for a break-up.

If one picks at every obstacle that he faces, he does nothing more than tire himself quickly. However, if one picks the battles in which he truly has a degree or emotional attachment-- each fight is more significant. When you want someone to know what you absolutely will not tolerate, then tolerate those things to which you are indifferent.

Avoiding the "He Said, She Said": Carry, always, the burden of truth.

The solution is simple. If you have decided to rid yourself of drama, as I have, you must give up the he said she said garbage. Never get entangled. Solution: Carry always the burden of proof. Tangible evidence is the only thing that holds up in court, and as justice would dictate it should be the way you protect yourself from the inevitable phenomenon which lies at the root of most dram, bullish, and stress.

I recently found myself in a situation where another woman recalled an encounter between her and myself differently from the way it actually transgressed. While she was flushed and nearly turned blue from concocting her version of "truth," I simply provided the complete dialogue. How you may ask? Luckily for me this interaction took play via instant messaging and since the incident created sparks soon after... a quick email of the conversation was all it took to exonerate me from the daily dealings of "who said what." I simply laid it out with a timestamped version of truth.

Well what would you have done if you had not had that conversation saved- or even yet if it had been verbal? You may ask. Quite simply, I would say, "This is what happened. Believe what you want." While that does seem like it could lead to a he said she said situation, as long as you rest your case after one statement you avoid the ridiculous ongoings of a tyrate that will just never have an admissable truth. If you do not have hardcore proof, just let it go. Why go on and on about something that has no finality?

Honesty and Respect: life's panacea.
I'm grown. I have no need to lie.
One can divest himself of every type of dramatic situation or any bullish by being honest. While it may not be as easy to simply tell someone, "I am angry with you right now. Once I have had a chance to collect my thoughts, we can talk about what we need to do to solve our problem," it definitely receives a two thumbs up to yelling and arguing and not missing every important point. Sometimes you have to learn to be the bigger person, in the event of an argument or a heated discussion, and listen to what someone is saying, instead of interpreting how the message is delivered.

Make a habit always to be honest and respect each other. Respect: that is a big word, and should be capitalized. And honesty, if you practice honesty, you version of truth will never be questioned.


"If I do this, if I let you take him, this changes nothing. You will still be my enemy in the morning."
"You are still my enemy tonight, but even enemies can show respect."
-Troy-

2.13.2005

V.D. - Fakey "Holi" Day

I am so pleased that I created a blog in time to voice my opinions about how much I absolutely detest this Fakey "Holi" Day. You can call me the Scrooge of Valentine's fakey Holiday, and I would humbly accept that oh so adequate appellation. I don't know what has caused me to grow so cold to this particular day, but over the years my angst for the day heightens.

The disgust for the day has grown so that it causes me to do overtly abnormal things. For example, I go into a store only once when I realize that Christmas decorations are being replaced, in stores, by the pink and red hearts, an overabundance of teddy bears, heart shaped chocolates, and a whole aisle of Hallmark Gold fakey holiday cardstock. When these decorations begin their initial flood of the stores, I make out a grocery list that will last me a good month and a half [December 27-February 16] and buy everything that I will possibly need to hold me over until this dreaded fakey is over.

Secondly, I post an away message about three days in advance warning my friends, family, and foes alike against shipping presents, emailing stupid online greeting cards, or calling with a fakey holiday well wish. I accept only business related calls or calls from those whom I am sure know how deep my fury lies for this oh so dreaded day.

You may say, this must be a chick who has never has never received a Valentine in her life. Wrong, I received the rose from an admirer here or there. I've gotten the balloons, the bears, the chocolate, and even at one point a trip to Mardi-Gras in New Orleans. I just can't say [with the exception of Mardi Gras] that I really enjoyed the fraud of it all. I think what really put me over the edge was in high school, a person for whom I had grown deeply affectionate asked me to be his Valentine. Most people, females especially, would have blushed and gone though so many levels of excitement. Not me, I was furious, even more so that this person has managed to tell me Happy Valentine's for the last four years makes me livid. Last year, I actually thought I'd escaped the Valentine's [fakey] wish from this person, but low and behold two days after the dreaded day he managed to sneak in a happy Belated Valentine's [fakey] wish. Fuming!

No matter my disgust for this fakey holiday, I must acknowledge the day for a different reason. Today is my new brother-in-law's birthday [my favorite bil], and also my favorite femme red-head from high school's birthday is today. Happy Birthday to You!!!

Well that is all for tonight... oh how appropriate that I just checked my mail because I just received an ad from Papa John's promoting their Valentine's pizza; get this, it's actually in the shape of a heart!! My god what is wrong with the world today? Well I look forward to replenishing my food supply, and personal necessities in two days when the majority of the pink and red decor will finally be replaced by Easter bunnies, chocolate eggs, and lavish baskets. Yay for the Resurrection! It preserves my sanity every year!

Shake It Off and Step Up

I think on Sundays I will make an effort to make my blog, some what inspirational. I guess that means I should go to church on a more frequent basis in order to obtain that inspiration. Today, I have a version of a paradigm told by Joel, my pastor. This is one that really got to me... I hope it helps you out too.

A donkey and a couple of guys had been walking for a while. All three were tiring quickly and their destination seemed farther and farther away. They continued to walk, but in a sudden change of events the donkey fell into a deep well. The well stretched many many feet below ground. The men tried everything they could to get the donkey out, but their resources were limited. They finally gave up on the little donkey. The donkey, sensing what tremendous trouble he was in began to neigh and neigh. The men felt bad and decided to put the donkey out of his misery by burring him alive. They tossed dirt into the well and the donkey neighed louder and louder. After a while the neighs stopped but the men continued to throw dirt to keep the same thing from happening to any one else walking the path. Soon the men began to see something poking from edges of the well. It was the donkey!! The men were in awe, they realized when the neighs stopped, it wasn’t because the donkey was dead, but it was because he had stopped whining. Every time the men had thrown dirt in, as it landed on the donkey's back, he would shake it off and step up! He took the very thing that was sent to bury him alive, stopped whining about it, and made it his way out. He'd shake it off and step up. Take a lesson from the donkey, anything in your life that's causing you to feel smothered, and tortured, shake it off and step up.

2.12.2005

Random Thoughts From A Restaurant's Table

Sitting in a restaurant hoping that one day the story will change but it never does causes me to be reluctant to any sort of change.Do I change my mind all of the time.Do I want to be here today and not want to be here tomorrow?Do I care what I wear when I leave the house and once I leave I realize that it really does not matter.Everyone always says beauty is only skin deep but so many people try to make the outer appearance match its interior. What would happen if all of the people who are beautiful on the inside went on outer beauty strike? Would any of those people ever find a man or a woman whose attention they could keep long enough for that inner beauty to shine trough?

The reason, I feel, most Americans strive for outer beauty even if they are beautiful on the inside is mearly for attraction purposes. Time has become something most Americans do not believe in squandering. We feel that we must account for every second. So in a society where patience has become a virture destroyed by technology, we no longer take the time to get to know someone if what we see does not cause us to squander those initial three seconds to turn around and ask someone to dinner. In college we don’t even ask for telephone numbers anymore and if we do it is a mobile number. We now say, what is your email address, or what is you IM name—which one do you use, MSN, AOL or Yahoo? Really, why talk to one person on a telephone if you can instant message numerous persons at once. You know what I am waiting for now? The Jetson cars. I know that they are no longer a few light years away, they are mearly around the corner and I have no doubt that I will see them during my own lifetime.

I’m still sitting in this restaurant wondering how I so often find myself the only black person in an eating establishment or in clothing store, or a bookstore. The latter disturbs me the most. Of all of the non-profound thoughts going through my head, the main one right now is, “Man, have I had too much bread today! And I am supposed to be loosing weight.” I wonder how many times in one day those two words go through my conscience, or more frightening my subconscience. That thought scares me! But now it is time for me to go to my car and go do a little home-shopping before I retire to my domicile for the next 48 hours straight, because I feel I have no where to go anyway. Well I will talk to you later. It has definitely been a pleasure speaking with you today...

Oh now someone sitting behind me has sat down with his Dell computer like me and has begun typing. I almost don’t want to leave now—he’s white too. Just like everyone else in here! There are seriously no other black people in here. I don’t know how I feel about that. I almost feel an obligation to stay, at least until another black person walks in so they don’t feel the same discomfort that I sometimes feel sitting here alone. Waiting for another black person could take the rest of my day and I am not willing to wait that long. I must leave now. Until next time. . .

Someone really ought to tell her that she wears too much make-up it makes her look like a queen.

2.11.2005

34 Weeks and Counting...

A pregnant woman's view on the struggle.
What follows is a tired, young pregnant woman's rant on the whole unfairness of things. Later in this conversation she welcomes the idea of writing a letter Congress and requesting passing the "Dot Law." Enjoy!

"Forget the weight gain. That is not an issue, you can loose weight but what about life long stretch marks!

I think so unfair that after nine months of pregnancy it's still not over. You gotta have two damn things leak. You bleed for six weeks and ya damn titties leak.

The other species has it so much easier than us. I'm serious. Krystal, it's not right. They don't have pre-labor pains. They don't have shit stretching. I think that by law men should be required to wear a pregnancy suit once they find out their woman is pregnant. And for those who do not stay with their women will have to wear a big dot on his head that shows that they have gotten a woman pregnant and is not doing anything to support her. It'd be their scarlet letter. And if he has four baby mama's then he should wear four dots! They would think twice before they would unzip their draws.

Then they don't want to have sex with us once we are six months because we are too big, or they are scared they will "hurt the baby." Ain't nobody's dick that mother fuckin' big! Then he has the audacity to ask me for a blow job! Is he crazy. Blow this!"

-this is all from the viewpoint of my cousin who is currently 34 weeks pregnant-

Conservative Blacks

We do exist.

2.10.2005

The New Guy

Well it's happened. I dare admit it, but there has been a new guy who has caught my attention and managed to keep it for longer than two weeks. It's a sad thing when the self-reincarnated stoic watches herself being to fall for another evil creature! I am glad that my previous situation taught me the importance of enjoying what's there while staying on my toes.

This new guy, he's great really. So great in fact I am trying to figure out what his flaw is. But I guess what is the fun in buying a new car and spending your energy trying to figure out how it will break down on you first. Maybe I am attempting to be too emotionally responsible. He hasn't given me a reason to question him thus far.

Please do not be mislead. We are not together we are just talked a bit. I have issues with that whole commitment thing, but at least I can admit it, right?

Intellect. Challenge. Football. Humor. Eyebrows nice ones. And arms really nice ones. That's all that's ever really necessary.

Series Premiere

This is the first, and I guarantee that this will not be the last of many posts to come. Welcome to my blogg space. I was reading an article about people getting fired because of information and opinions verbalized on their blog pages. Naturally, I thought, "I better get me one of these!" Now lookie here-- I have one. Hopefully, this will be something I remember to write on every day, for those of you who will be my faithful readers. I plan on posting some stories, already written, and new ones too. I'll post my thoughts, rarely my feelings though; they are often too personal to share with the world. Come back tomorrow, and hopefully you'll see something new.

"You take your ignorance and wear it on you sleeve like a badge of honor and call it cool, well it ain't. That's called masturbation, that's right. It may make you feel good but it does not produce life." -Sidney Poitier-