Live Like You Were Dying

I went sky divin'
I went Rocky Mountain climbing
I went 2.7 seconds on a bull named Fu Man Choo
And I loved deeper,
And I spoke sweeter
And I gave forgiveness I've been denying
And some day I hope you get the chance,
To live like you were dyin'
Tim McGraw

Sometimes I wonder what outrageous things I would do if I knew that I would die in a week. I wonder if there would be certain persons whom I would bend over backwards to see. I wonder if I'd be nervous or totally content with the way my lifed had unfolded.

I would. I would have no regrets. I have learned many things from many people and experiences in my life; through these people I have been able to experience, happiness, love, and appreciation.

Even the painful, and hurtful experiences have been worthwhile, for how can one truly understand and appreicate happiness if s/he has known no sadness? How can one truly experience love, if s/he has never known hurt. How can one truly revel in completing goals, if s/he has never had setbacks.

I don't want to go just yet. There are goals that I have not completed yet, and I would love to see those things through to the end. However, I would still have no regrets.

Honestly, if I knew I was going to die soon:
  1. I think I would try sky-divin'.
  2. I wouldn't climb a mountain, but maybe I would jump off of a platform diving board.
  3. I don't really have anyone to forgive, because I try to do that frequently, and thankfully I am not consistently hurt by those close to me, so forgiveness is not a daily chore.
  4. I don't know how I could love deeper, and even if I were dying, I wouldn't want to love any deeper.
  5. I'd donate blood one last time, and make sure I was set to be an organ donor.
  6. I'd have one last party with all of my friends, and aquaintances especially those with whom I'd fallen out of touch.
  7. I'd hug my sisters, my mother, my brother, and my dad [okay and maybe I'd finally let my dog lick me in my face].
  8. I'd sing one last song with my cousin [one of our originals]
  9. I'd hold my godchildren and tell them how much they mean to me.
  10. I'd go to church, and sit on the front row
  11. I'd make sure I was right with my lord and savior Jesus Christ
  12. And I'd thank my daddy for pointing me in the right direction.


Miss Krys 100

In the style of Aleks, here is Miss Krys 100

  1. I am a middle child
  2. I have two sisters
  3. I am going to be very careful not to divulge any information that could be used for identity thieft in this list. I know everyone wants to be me.
  4. I hate feet
  5. I think they are disgusting
  6. I like watching Gray's Anatomy
  7. 24 is my favorite prime time show
  8. The Young and the Restless is my favorit show of all time
  9. I no longer get to watch it because I work
  10. I am a Marketing Assistant
  11. I grew up with both of my parents
  12. I am very heterosexual
  13. I am not homophobic
  14. I am single
  15. My best friends are my two sisters and my cuzibludin
  16. I went to private school for 7 years
  17. I loved the last 4 years of private school
  18. I am from Texas
  19. If I had voted in this election, I would have voted for Bush.
  20. Since I live in Texas my statemates took care of it for me
  21. I believe welfare recipients should have to work to receive benefits
  22. I do not condone people spitting out tons of kids and getting a check cut from my tax money.
  23. I am a grammar stickler
  24. I hate when people use prepositions at the end of sentences, independant clauses, or questions
  25. If I could choose any career in the world, I would be Oprah
  26. If offered $500,000,000.00 for eating crap, I would happily comply
  27. I have two laptops and one desktop
  28. I live alone
  29. I have lived on my own since I was 19
  30. I pay too much for rent
  31. But I have a really pretty lake on my property, so I keep telling myself it's okay
  32. I work with 20 guys and 1 female in our corporate office
  33. I have been to Hampton University
  34. I have been to Trinity University
  35. I will finish from The University of Houston
  36. I am a member of the largest church in the nation
  37. I get to church an hour early just so I can get a good seat
  38. I go to church on Saturday night to avoid the Sunday morning hoard of people
  39. I read a devotional every morning
  40. I do not forsee myself getting married
  41. I am not sad about that
  42. I do not forsee myself having children
  43. But I think that may change
  44. If I do have kids then I want 3 girls and 1 boy
  45. I want my son [if he ever exists] to play football
  46. Because I want to be a football mom [if I decide to have kids] and have football dinners at my house catered by Carrabas and Pappas resturants
  47. I broke 1000 on my SAT's
  48. But my score still made me cry
  49. I play Madden
  50. But my defense is really bad
  51. Football is my favorite sport
  52. I have a handbag with my face on it
  53. I was named after Krystle Carrington on Dynasty
  54. My best male friend is expected to go to the NFL after this year
  55. I'll pray that he doesn't hurt himself this season
  56. I made a decision to enjoy everyday
  57. I like Kellogg's Raisin Bran
  58. Spinach is my favorite green vegetable
  59. I've always wanted a tiger
  60. I am no good with intimate relationships
  61. I do extremely value my friendships
  62. I have known all of my friends for at least 7 years
  63. My mom is talking to me about romance right now
  64. It makes me want to puke
  65. I think love makes people illogical
  66. I need logic to feel sane
  67. I have been blogging since February 2005
  68. Valentine's fakeHoliday is my least favorite holiday
  69. I only go to stores once between December 26 and February 15th each year
  70. I grocery shop for more than a month and a half worth of food so I do not have to subject myself to pink and red hearts
  71. I have disliked Valentine's fakeyholiDay since I was little
  72. I have never turned a cartwheel because I think my arms are too short
  73. I've maxed at 145 under the bench
  74. My mother has developed a severe case of teritts syndome which causes her to yell LUTHER at random points throughout the day
  75. I got kicked off the V squad when I was 18 or 19
  76. I do not regret my first
  77. We are still very good friends [strictly platonic friends]
  78. I have coordintated three weddings
  79. I love white cranberry juice
  80. I lost my best friend of 7 year because she became a pathological liar
  81. I haven't talked to my male best friend in 7 months-- he's dropped off the face of the planet
  82. I am currently looking for a replacement
  83. I have two godkids
  84. My bed is called a Spinal Majestic King Koil
  85. I bought it because it was very pretty
  86. I think Brad Pitt is very sexy
  87. I have seen The Lion King in its entirity over 81 times
  88. I stopped counting at 81
  89. I speak English backwards fluently
  90. I call the language Pilf Polf
  91. I was bossy so I made my cuzibludin learn Pilf Polf too
  92. When we do not want people to know what we are talking about, we talk in Pilf Polf on the phone
  93. Monterrey is my favorite cheese
  94. My mom is listening to Luther songs right now and it's driving me crazy
  95. I have Sprint Ready-Link
  96. I love cooking for other people
  97. If I were to die tomorrow, I would have no regrets.
  98. I am a huge Julia Roberts, and Sandra Bullock fan
  99. I think Erica Bana is sexy
  100. I believe that today is yesterday's consequence, and that if I want to change my tomorrow, I have to change my decisions today.


No Love Life = Death? No Way

I appreciate all of the comments from the previous post. However, the without love you die comments are a bit much for me.

Allow me to further explain myself. I do love. I love my family, and my friends. I do not feel that an initmate relationship is imperative to my being; if anything, me being the type of person that I am, I feel as though it hinders my personal growth. I am more concerned with self-enrichment: learning languages, studying random subjects on my own accord, and things of that sort. Those things make me feel more complete than any companion will.

When my happiness is based on me, myself, and I, then I am the only person who could possibly be responsible for my failure. This extends so far beyond my experiences with any human being. Even as far back as elementary school I hated group projects, because I understood that being in a group where we all get the same grade meant that my grade could be jepordized because of others. While I understand that it could be enhanced by others, I'm more concerned with the fact that it could be hindered. I do not mind failing if I know that the failure was all my doing; I can live with that. However, failing and never know whether or not the outcome would be different if I had tackled the project on my own is not a situation in which I have ever liked to exist.

People question my reasoning behind not wanting to get married. I'll put it simply this way: I am not sure that I want to have kids. If I decide for certain that I do not want kids, then I will most certainly decide against marriage. I see marrige as a form of willingly setting yourself up for compromise "for as long as you both shall live." The only way I intend to do that, the only thing important enough for me to be willing to compromise for the rest of my life, would be a decision to have children. Right now, I do not have that desire. I don't feel like my reasons for wanting kids are good enough reasons. The only reasons I can consciously concoct are my desire to be a football mom, and my second desire to have a daughter named Texas and a son named Houston Austin Dallas [nicknamed Had for short]. Those my dear friends, are not good enough reasons. So until I find better ones, it looks like I will continue to live and enjoy my life as an ambious single female, who answers only to herself and her Maker.

Do not misunderstand me; I do love those close to me, and I do believe I've even been in love before-- and may still be there-- it takes time to become dormant. However, I feel that my only loyalty is to happiness (a. carter), and sometimes that means loving others has to come second. Pardon me if you feel like this is selfish; my intentions are good. I feel like this is more honest than selfish.



I spent a bit of trying to figure out what to title this piece, but nothing seemed to hit it just right. There was "I Loved Him. And He Hates Me." However, this leaves out the finality of the current un-situation. There was "One Last Cry," but that makes way for the word never, and I'm not quite sure that I will never cry again. Then there was "It's Just Different." I had to settle for an untitled piece.

Today he told me that there he thinks we need to close the lines of communication between us, and not talk to each other
at all
I do not dispute this charge, which I initiated many times previously, but was unable to keep; when he says it, it's just different. I have known him nearly all of my life [about 18 of 22 years], six of which I have been head over heels inamoured, infuriated, miffed, speechless, livid and in love with him. In those six years we have infuriated each other often, but have always reconciled. We've hated each other, at the same time, and at different times; but I always found my way back to love. That is why this time, when I can't even remember why he could be effin pissed off at me, I can't begin to understand "Why now?"

We have not really talked in a while; we have not seen each other in seven months [which is not unusual when one goes to school out of state]; and we have not laughed together since longer than that I'd imagine. So why is this so hard? Why is him telling me that he no longer wishes to talk to me
at all
a big deal now? I think it's because of the finality of it all, and the fact that I don't know why. Maybe he is just growing up, and realizing that we are static, and will never progress [the way, I am sure, he saw our situation from the very beginning while I was crafting kids' names from his initials].

Q. Why is it a big deal? Why do I even care?
  1. Because I do.
  2. Because even though I have known for a very long time that nothing would ever come of the two of us, I still just do.
  3. Because I think of him everyday, and pray for him [in secret] more than I pray for anyone else.
  4. Because I have never been shut out of anyone's life before, and for the first person to close the door in my face to be him, well, it's really hard.
  5. Because I do.
After we said our final goodbyes. I shook it off, and decided it was close enough to my bedtime to just go to sleep. I decided that I would not cry; I would not even think about it anymore. But as soon as I crawled under my red sheets, I became a girl. He has always made me act-- no, I have always acted so out of character because of him. I was not going to cry, but as soon as I was in that space where we once [a few times] had been, the silent tears were not going to be contained by the stoical persona to which I cling so strongly. I became a girl under those sheets. Lying there I thought I want to burn these sheets. I want to burn my journals. I broke the CD's he gave me, because I am supposed to rid myself of anything which reminds me of him right? Well I can rid myself of the tangible things, but what about the memories? How do you do that?

More importantly how, am I going to get through the day after I pray for him in the morning--because it has become habit-- knowing that I am no longer allowed to speak to him. Ignorance is bliss; I wish I had never initiated a conversation with him tonight because tonight I might have still been ignorant to the fact that he no longer sees a point in talking to me
at all

My sister told me to just let it go, and my cousin said the same thing. I know that is what I should do. But it's hard. Mainly hard because he was the only person I'd ever let in in that way. I willingly gave him all of me, and more. When others who even held the title of boyfriend were never able to break the icy exterior. And I feel foolish. Foolish for allowing him to be the one to bring down my walls. Could I have not been a better judge of character? I don't let people in immediately because I feel like I must observe them for a long time before. Had I not observed him enough in the twelve years of congnition before I decided to trust enough to be open?

This is my fault, and I cannot blame anyone but myself. For I have loved in vain. With everything I had, I loved in vain. The care packages, in vain. The homemade chocolate chip cookies sans nuts, in vain. The long late Saturday-night talks, in vain. The writings, in vain. The early morning prayers, in vain.

After I cried like the girl that I am not, I decided to shower hoping the flow of water would drown out my tears. Thankfully it did. And as it rained on me, I thought of song after song, that I felt had been written for me in this moment. There were hundreds of them in a matter of minutes. Hundreds of lines, which could have predicted this moment in my life, came just a few hours too late. It's crazy, because even now I feel like just give me one last time. I need just one last time to kiss his lips: I need to feel the emptiness there (but I would savor the taste forever). One more time to look upon his eyes: I need to see a chilled reflection of myself in them (so I know what "no more" looks like). One more time to hear his voice: I need to hear the nonchalant tone which would seal our fate.

I shall have to retire the name Tanalan; I've decided not to have children so the name is up for grabs. This decision came before this night. I decided before tonight to never share my life with anyone. I was incapable before him of being open and now one shall have to pry my emotions open with a crow bar crafted by Zeus himself. But what is scary is that all walls crumble: the walls of Jericho, they crumbled; the walls of Troy, they failed. My walls now, shall be greater than those which guarded the city of Troy; they will be forged of Fe.

I hate her. Is that wrong? I do not even know who her is, and I do; I hate her. I don't even know if there is a her yet, but there will be. And I will hate her. I hate her for being better for him than I. I hate her for being more attractive to him than I. And I hate her for being smarter than I-- wait that's just not possible! Whew that felt good! I laughed. I'm baaaack. Even though I hate her, I will pray that she is all to him that she should be. Just because you love someone who doesn't love you back, doesn't mean you wish the worst for him, and I don't. I don't wish the worst for him.


Quote of the Century

Life is a sexually transmitted disease.

~R.D. Laing~

Never have truer words been spoken.


Jealousy can kill you...if you let it.

My pastor speaks often about making a choice: choosing a higher road, and taking the higher path. He describes how just because sometimes taking the higher road is harder don't give up, because [we] deserve more.

I try more arduously every day to take the higher road, to not allow circumstances to interfere with what I know is in store for me. I have even started a daily morning devotional reading from the book Your Best Life Now: 90-Day Devotional Readings. The problem is that sometimes the greater thing that is in store for me is not apart of my "wantto" right now.

Recently, I have found myself being a little jealous in certain areas of my life: jealous of my friends who have graduated from college-- because of certain financial circumstances, I have not quite reached that goal, but in enlarging my vision and taking the steps which I am currently taking, that goal no longer seems as out of reach. This jealousy is one that is not so burdensome because I know that if I take steps 1, 2, and 3 then the product never changes. Graduating from school is totally a formula. Pay tuition + Go to classes + Study + Make good grades = Graduation.

But what do you do if the situation is uncontrolled by your own choices? My most recent fit of jealousy is steming from (doing something I know I ought not do) reading this certain someone's away messages. He always leaves songs for his away messages, and they used to be the ghetto "boontee boontee" music (to quote Stubaby's mom), but recently they have been songs with romantic undertones which leads me to believe there is some chick he is digging enough to promote his feelings for her. I could totally be wrong, and he could have just felt like changing up the genres a bit (but I highly doubt this one).

The problem is that in order to expect more, I have to stop doing some of the things that I am doing. There is no reason for me to continue to read his away messges (although I have made a habit of reading like everyone's away messages on my buddy list); there is no reason for his namem to still be on my buddy list. And I have taken it off. Repeatedly. But I steadly manage to put it back on.

I guess this is what Joel means when he says, don't go half way through the race and settle; continue on until you reach your goal. How do you do that if your goal, your greater is not what you really want. I know that means that I have to just trust that God has something a greater plan in store for me. However, what confuses me is that the only thing I can imagine my greater being is a successful and happy life for myself, by myself. I no longer long to be in an intimate relationship with anyone. I do not long for marital bliss, and a posterity to continue on my family name, values, and ideals. I am truely much happier by myself.

However, we all know that His ways are not our ways, and His thought are far superior to our thoughts. God, I sure hope he is planning to make me the next Oprah; that would be great.


Recipe Exchange

Chicken Florentine w/ Monterrey
This is my favorite recipe. I was playing around in the kitchen one day and stumbled upon it. So here you go.

What You Will Need (this will service two, increase as necessary):
2 Boneless Chickenbreast
1 tomato
1 red bell pepper
1 yellow bell pepper
1 orange bell pepper
1 bag of fresh spinach
1 pouch of sliced portabella mushrooms
2 tablespoons of olive oil
8oz. Monterrey cheese [a cheddar monterrey mix is good too]
1 Baking Dish
1 George Foreman grill
1 Medium Skillet or Wok

1. Turn the oven to 400 degrees, and plug in a George Foreman (I'm sure everyone has one of these.)
2. Season your chicken breasts to taste (I generally use Lemon Pepper, Seasoning Salt, and Garlic Powder)
3. Chop in cubes 1/4 of each pepper (red, orange, and yellow) set aside in a bowl
4. In another bowl mix together the bag of spinach and a 1/2 cup of sliced portabella mushrooms
5. In the Wok, sautee the choped peppers in 1 tablespoon of oil until tender; once tender, return the peppers to a bowl set aside.
6. Place chicken breasts on the George Foreman... RIGHT NOW GO DO IT RIGHT NOW!!!
7. In the Wok, that is still on the stove, add another tablespoon of Olive Oil and sautee the mushroom and spinach mixture until tender. Once tender, the chicken should also be done then too, remove from heat source.
8. With a fillet knife, slice the chicken breast laterally, opening it almost 3/4ths of the way, as to create a pocket. Place the chicken boobies in the baking dish.
9. Stuff the pocket with the spinach and mushroom mixture, and sprinkle a little shredded cheese as a sealer.
10. Top the chicken breasts with the remainder of spinach and mushroom mixture, then top with shredded monterrey, and on top of the cheese sprinkle your colorful mixture of sauteed peppers, and diced tomatoes.
11. Place in the over for about 10 to 13.5 minutes.
12. Take it out, I could say allow 5 minutes for cooling, but does anyone every really do that? Eat it. Enjoy [if you think it's gross, then don't eat it all!]

Recommended side-dishes:
Golden white potates topped with butter, salt and pepper.
Chicken rice (Rice cooked in chicken broth instead of plain water)
or for a more colorful experience try cinnamon sweet potatoes.


Begins with K and ends with SEXAY

I shall pretend to be a girl tonight, and blog about this new guy. For the past three or so weeks, I have admired this guy from afar; we work together. Just recently, he received a promotion in our engineering department, and thusly his office was moved right next to mine!

I do not know if he is beautiful so much as he has a wonderful voice. His voice, it's not too deep, and not too high. It's just plain sexy, and I am not sure if he knows it or not. Since he's moved to an office directly adjacent to mine, we talk a lot more; and everytime he calls my name "Krystal," he says, I have to turn and look away in order to hide the oh so involuntary pacified expression that surfaces. Whenever we hold an extended conversation, I always feel the urge to check my panties--if I'm wearing any at all-- to make sure all is dry!

Imagine closing your eyes, and beautiful Latino-- I've never been into a Latino before-- and as he begins talking, you feel his vocal vibrations tug at the very nucleus of your soul. He doesn't have an accent, so it's hard to explain what it is exactly about this voice that has me so inamored.

Three days ago, I accidentally locked myself between the warehouse and the company's corporate office building, and he had to be the one to come and let me out. I felt that the situation was too funny to be embarrassing, especially since he has a great sense of humor. We laughed about it even over lunch today. While riding on the back of his Yamaha, on our way to lunch, I am sure he had no idea what naughty thoughts ran through my mind, as he had no idea what naughty thoughts began to run through my head once I realized he was coming back to save me from my distressed situation.

OMG, today even beyond talking, this dude starts humming Shai's "If I Ever Fall In Love Again," I was sitting in my office like no effin way. Obviously, that led him to begin a quite lengthy conversation about "baby making music," and I'm thinking, "If yo sexy sounding ass only knew that, I have that Soaking Wet Seductions CD-- one I made for ole dude-- but I would definately be willing to share it with my new booty, I mean office buddy-- with his sexy ass!

Wow, I didn't know I thought that much about it. But no worries, this ain't no love thang-- I am not that crazy; I am still just peepin the little cutie!