JUST DON'T DO IT: What NOT to do as a guest [or non-guest] of a wedding!!!

Many of you may not know this, but along with bad grammar, I do have another category that encompasses a large number of pet peeves for me (that made sense in my head). WEDDINGS! Below follows the list of things that you as a guest- or non-guest of a wedding should not do!

Be careful... chances are I will step on some toes with this note!... and yes you should be embarrassed.

1.FIRST AND FOREMOST: Know that ONLY those listed on the invitation that you receive are invited.
There is a lot of work that goes into addressing [proper] wedding invitations. Most are hand-written either by the bride/groom(if he has good penmanship-not likely)/brides's friend or family/ or a really expensive calligrapher. The names that they put on the envelope were very intentional.... Simply put ... if the invitation says Miss Juanita Hancock... then ONLY Juanita should show up. If it says Miss Juanita Hancock and guest then fine, bring a date... otherwise fly solo... just know that by you being selfish and deciding to bring someone who was not invited you just added another $25-$100 [easily] to the bride and groom's tab.

2. That brings me to my second point. DON'T BE A CHEAPO AND NOT GET A GIFT. Folks pay lots of money PER PERSON that attends their wedding. It is really unexcusable to go to a wedding without bringing a gift or having one sent to them in advance [the latter is preferable]. The way I see it, if they would haveknown you were going to be a cheap-o then they could have saved the $20-$100+ it cost to have you at their wedding and bought themselves something nice... while your cheap-o-self stayed at home!

2b. DON'T GET CREATIVE! Brides and Grooms [i will refer to them as BGs] spend lots of time picking out things that they want for their house/apartment/room in their parents' house/etc.. This is NOT the time to re-gift or get them that nice pot set that you saw at Family Dollar! Just go to the registry, at least a few days before the wedding, order online and ship to the address listed on file. Bringing the gift to the wedding is really old school, and should be done only if the registry is not online. If there is something that you really really want to get for them that's not on the registry you have one of two options. 1. Call and let them know that you'd like to get them something off registry that you think they will really like ... you may even tell them what it is... and if they agree it's okay ... INCLUDE A GIFT RECEIPT! Other than that ... get a token thing off the registry AND get the thing you want to get them off-registry and INCLUDE A GIFT RECEIPT--because 9/10 they are going to have the maid of honor return it because ya'll do not have the same taste!

3. DON'T BRING KIDS TO AN ADULTS ONLY WEDDING/RECEPTION: I don't care how cute you think your child is. If that bride and groom SPECIFIED on the INVITATION or anywhere else that it's an adult affair... do like every parent going to a movie SHOULD do and GET A BABYSITTER or stay HOME! My sister had a wedding reception at the SkyBar, and specified not to bring kids, and some folks thought that part just didn't apply to them. It's the bride and groom's day, your opinion, and convenience DOES NOT MATTER.

4. DO NOT ASK FOR AN INVITATION! It takes FOREVER for BGs to come up with their guest list. Often times they go through the painstaking process of having to cut a significant number of folks form the guest list because of budget limitations. If you do not receive an invitation, PLEASE for the love of God do not put the BGs in the awkward position of having to tell you that they can't send you an invite or worse because they may have no backbone, they invite you even though it's not an economically sound decision for them... and let me tell you something... if they invite you and you have the audacity to bring a date, and i find out about it... don't be surprised if i punched you in the face upon sight! If they didn't really want you there what makes you think they'd want to pay for your date too!?!?! Morons.

5. If you don't come to the ceremony... then DON'T YOU DARE COME TO THE RECEPTION! The reception is a party to celebrate the fact that two people publicly made a choice to spend the rest of their lives together. If you weren't there for that... then don't come to the reception because we all know you are just coming for the food... if that's the case, then take your tacky self to McDonald's and be among others with the same about of class as yourself.

6. Do NOT sit at the reserved tables!!!! Most weddings have tables reserved for the family of the BGs and the wedding party... NOT thewedding party's family, and NOT folks who came late and have nowhere else to sit. Chances are there are folks at the reception who were NOT invited which is why the late people have nowhere to sit. If folks would adhere to number 1 and 5 then the latter would not be aproblem. I recently went to a wedding where the bridal party had nowhere to sit once they finished taking pictures because folks had taken the reserved tables because obviously folks who were NOT invited showed up... TACKY!

7. This one should have definitely been HIGHER on this list, and I can't believe that I'd forgotten about it until now.... but this is as big as number 1... When you get a wedding invitation, you are SUPPOSED to RSVP!!!! Now I shouldn't have to go into details on this one but some folks just don't get it. SOME folks don't understand that the thought "Oh they know I'm coming" is just NOT ACCEPTABLE. Do you NOT realize that a headcount must be given to the caterers and venue and other vendors BEFORE the services! And when extra folks [beyond the headcount] show up this is all bad for the BGs. Being the French master that I am... Ima teach you a little lesson RSVP = "R├ępondez, s'il vous plait" TRANSLATION: Resond, please. They are asking nicely... the least you can do is to write yes or no on the card and send it back in the mail in the prestamped envelope provided by the BGs. And if it says to RSVP to a specific person... respond to THAT person... don't tell the BorG's mamma's sister's cousin's husband's divorced auntie who's already pissed that she couldn't salvage her own marriage!!! FYI should you be so fortunate to be invited to my wedding and you do not RSVP then you will NOT be allowed!

8. If you are coming to "see" as opposed to CELEBRATE... stay at home! In the words of one of my best friends in the world: "It's not areunion or a house party. It's a WEDDING!" If you are going to a wedding to "see" who's there, what they are wearing, who's gained weight, if the bride lost the 32lbs that she set out to lose before the big day, or if the groom still really has the hots for you.... for the Loveof God, stay at home! You wanna see who's gotten fat, who still has no fashion sense, if you can see someone's engagement ring from the back of the church, then just stay at home.. you obviously do not know the reason to attend a wedding. You make me sick.

9. Get there on Early, ON TIME, or NOT AT ALL!! This should go without saying. I know some folks have a tendency to operate on CP time.. I can say that because I am CP. And in Hollywood, I've been told it's often appropriate to be late, make an entrance. Well let me tell you, the LAST entrance that should be made at at wedding is the BRIDE'S not yours because you couldn't manage your time well enough to get to the wedding ON TIME. Even on time is not really acceptable. If I learned anythinG from my tenure at Hampton University: "To be early is to on time, and to be on time is to be late. And to be late is UNACCEPTABLE!" If you get there and the parents of the BGs are being seated, if any part of the procession has begun, turn your tardy self around and go home, and don't you dare go to the reception either! Late is completely unacceptable! Period. Just don't do it.

10. Know the dress code. If you don't have something to wear that's in line, borrow or go buy... I guarantee you your outfit won't set you back as much as the bride's or bridesmaid's cost them... suck it up or stay home. If the wedding says black tie... then jeans are INAPPROPRIATE; linen slacks looking like you are going to a beach wedding is INAPPROPRIATE; sundress is INAPPROPRAITE. If thewedding invitation says after-five don't come in your bright easter clothes! For those of you who just don't get it really... here is a nice little guide for you: because I'm nice like that!

Black Tie Attire For him, wear a formal tuxedo; for her wear a long evening gown.
Semi-Formal (After Five Attire) For him, wear a dark suit; for her wear a cocktail dress.
Cocktail Attire For him wear a dark suit; for her wear a slim shorter dress.
Festive Attire For him, wear a dark suit and funky tie; for her a jewel toned cocktail dress
Informal Attire For him, wear a dark suit; for her wear a shorter cocktail dress.
Cosmopolitan For him, slim cut suit coat; for her, slinky snug fitting dress
Beach Formal For him, light and airy suit, For her, sun dress with sandals
Boating Elegant For him, navy blazer, linen sundress with sandals for her
Dressy Casual For him, button down shirt but no jacket, for her dressy shirt and top
Casual For him and her anything goes

LASTLY -- IF YOU WEAR ALL WHITE, CREAM, IVORY, OR ANYTHING IN THE WHITE FAMILY AND YOU ARE NOT THE BRIDE... THEN KNOW THAT SHE OR ANYONE CLOSE TO HER IS COMPLETELY JUSTIFIED WHEN THEY SHOOT YOU IN THE HEAD FOR BEING THAT STUPID (that includes family members... understand WHITES are for THE BRIDE ONLY)!!! [I wouldn't even call the ambulance for you until after the wedding was over-- your stupidity and the consequences they brought on isn't just cause to delay the nuptials!!]

That's all for now!!

11. Oh I forgot one... sorry... DON'T ASK FOR A FOIL, A DOGGIE BAG, OR A PLATE to take away with you... if you are going to be that hungry, then go BUY something from the fast food joint on your way home... or here's a thought... GO HOME AND COOK YOURSELF.  Not EVERY occasion that has food is meant as an opportunity to stack up on left-overs!!!!!!!!!