6.18.2005

Just Before Bed

Yesterday’s epiphany was an incorrect one. I am not crazy and I am not stupid, but I am tired. Today I woke up and said it is over, and that means little to you because to you it never began. For me that statement is the creed by which I will live the rest of my life. Every morning I will wake up and say that it is over.

Today is one of many when I woke up to the thought that this would be the end of a four year downward spiral. The only difference is that the other mornings I woke and thought maybe today would be the end of a downward spiral. Today is different. I woke up cold. I woke up hard and incapable of loving; I have been drained. People often say that it is never the end; it is always the beginning of something new. I do not concur. The part of me that allowed for love is dead and there is no new beginning.

I want to runaway, but it is impossible to run away from myself so I have to take other measures in order to cope with the problem I have dwelt inside of for years. I have had other problems. This one is different. This one involves the emotions that I ran from for sixteen years, those same emotions that have entrapped me for the past four. My best friend of ten years lied to me, and that was a problem for me. I was able to detach myself from her as easily as one breaks apart jigsaw puzzle pieces. That situation makes me wonder why it is so hard for me to detach myself from any mere mortal who has had no direct effect on my existence. I have loved so hard that it has turned to hate. Hate for him and frustration with God for allowing me to love the wrong person.

My character strength and flaw are both one in the same: desire. Whether it comes easily or with a degree of difficulty, I always get what I want. You can do that when what you want makes logical sense, when there is a logical way to obtain your goal. The thing called emotion is not so—there is no logical approach when feelings are involved. There is no logic.
-written 09/18/03-

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

So are you saying that When you are making a descion that you emothion wil always rule over what you think is right? Frustration with God, and hate for him..Boy I tell you, that is a mighty strong sentence. Sweetheart God does everything for a reason, maybe God put you through your last relationship for the one you have now, maybe to teach you something.

Miss Krys said...

Actually, I am saying the opposite. In a previous situation I did let my emotions outweigh what I thought was right. I know now that that, for me, is not the right way to go. I know that God supposedly does everything for a reason, however that did not stop me from being frustrated with him while I was in that previous situation. If he did put me in that situation in order for me to be able to experience this one, then I am definately greatful. I think we all wish, retrospectively, that there are just some things through which we did not have to endure.

timetwo said...

Your poem was very touching. Every woman has that point in their life where they just want to give in. We feel like we can depend on no one in our times of need, not even the lord. WE push our faith aside and let our emotions driven by fear drown us in misery. We all must over come our selfish ways and hand over all our problems to the Lord. He wont put more on you then you can bare. What we survive is just another learning experience to strive harder. A man should be the least of our worries.

boudica of suburbia said...

You are allowed to be mad with God if you so wish. Annoymous obviously wasn't woman enough to risk an adult discussion.

This is your blog and your life, and within said life you have the right to feel any emotion you bloody well want, whos she to argue against that?

I believe in a God but I don't go for the "God is always good" side of things. An all-knowing God cannot at the same time be a kind God... and so on... my opinion of course, to explain it i'll leave you a link, just for interest's sake, and primarily because I make absolutely no sense! lol

http://www.wku.edu/~jan.garrett/philvws.htm

Also, I don't care how religious someone is, the phrase "Sweetheart God" is sick-making and really shouldn't be used, at all, ever... eeessh!

Oops, here I am judging away, I'll piss off now and leave you in peace. Not for too long tho, im really enjoying your blog!

all my love

Boud.