10.02.2005

Inadequate

This is another entry that must be typed with my eyes closed, and my heart wide open. I have a hard time always speaking the truth when I feel myself in a conscious state of mind, but with my eyes closed, I can tell my fingers that whatever they produce is nothing more than a dream.

I have reasoned myself out of marriage, and love, and children on occasion. I have discovered the best possible reasons to go without all three. They all make perfect sense. They truely do, but for some reason my heart is not following suit. While my heart does not tug at the idea of marriage, it will not allow me to escape love. The fact that I know that love is more hurtful to me, because of whom I love, and that I can't make myself stop, makes me feel inadequate. I can't control my thoughts, the things that tug at that emotional side of me that I still arduously try to surpress, I can't control the repetition of one name and its daily exsistence in my life, and that makes me feel inadequate.

I was watching The Terminal the other day, and in the movie the major character has a beat in which he simply says [over and over] "I wait." I feel like I'm still waiting, but waiting on never, waiting on a possibility that is just not possible, and even if it was possible I shouldn't want it anyway.

I've tried many mediums to ignore the period of waiting. I ahve tried replacing; I have tried self-absorbtion; I ahve tried just forgetting. The ironic thing is that when you try to forget, it causes you to remember even more.

I simply cannot gethim out of my system. I want to. I really want to. When asked "why did I like him?" by one and "Did you want to marry him?" by another the only thought I could conjure up was that the verb tense in that sentence is incorrect- even though I wish the past perfect was the correct tense for that wuestion. When whill I move on? When will I let go of the piercing assasin which invades my daily exsistence?

damn not bad for me to have done that with my eyes closed...

1 comment:

dayna lynn said...

We always forget the things we want to remember and remember the things we want to forget.

I know the feeling of not being able to get someone out of the system. The reality that a person has become such an integal part one's existence, that the thought or remembrance of them comes as natural as remebering your birthday...or your name.

And I too am one who tries to reason away my emotions, to intellectualize that which I can't control. But darling, it doesn't work that way. Are emotions are there to keep us on track to our destiny. Reason may keep us sane at times, but emotions resurface time and again to assure us of our insanity and the greater scheme and course of our lives.
Don't fight it...it's a battle you're destined to lose.