7.18.2005

Jealousy can kill you...if you let it.

My pastor speaks often about making a choice: choosing a higher road, and taking the higher path. He describes how just because sometimes taking the higher road is harder don't give up, because [we] deserve more.

I try more arduously every day to take the higher road, to not allow circumstances to interfere with what I know is in store for me. I have even started a daily morning devotional reading from the book Your Best Life Now: 90-Day Devotional Readings. The problem is that sometimes the greater thing that is in store for me is not apart of my "wantto" right now.

Recently, I have found myself being a little jealous in certain areas of my life: jealous of my friends who have graduated from college-- because of certain financial circumstances, I have not quite reached that goal, but in enlarging my vision and taking the steps which I am currently taking, that goal no longer seems as out of reach. This jealousy is one that is not so burdensome because I know that if I take steps 1, 2, and 3 then the product never changes. Graduating from school is totally a formula. Pay tuition + Go to classes + Study + Make good grades = Graduation.

But what do you do if the situation is uncontrolled by your own choices? My most recent fit of jealousy is steming from (doing something I know I ought not do) reading this certain someone's away messages. He always leaves songs for his away messages, and they used to be the ghetto "boontee boontee" music (to quote Stubaby's mom), but recently they have been songs with romantic undertones which leads me to believe there is some chick he is digging enough to promote his feelings for her. I could totally be wrong, and he could have just felt like changing up the genres a bit (but I highly doubt this one).

The problem is that in order to expect more, I have to stop doing some of the things that I am doing. There is no reason for me to continue to read his away messges (although I have made a habit of reading like everyone's away messages on my buddy list); there is no reason for his namem to still be on my buddy list. And I have taken it off. Repeatedly. But I steadly manage to put it back on.

I guess this is what Joel means when he says, don't go half way through the race and settle; continue on until you reach your goal. How do you do that if your goal, your greater is not what you really want. I know that means that I have to just trust that God has something a greater plan in store for me. However, what confuses me is that the only thing I can imagine my greater being is a successful and happy life for myself, by myself. I no longer long to be in an intimate relationship with anyone. I do not long for marital bliss, and a posterity to continue on my family name, values, and ideals. I am truely much happier by myself.

However, we all know that His ways are not our ways, and His thought are far superior to our thoughts. God, I sure hope he is planning to make me the next Oprah; that would be great.

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