2.27.2005

Better Without the Attention: This is not My Game to Play

All of this new attention is really starting to get to me.

These past few weeks has made me wonder, if I have suddenly gotten prettier, smarter, or more exciting. Is that the case or is it that I am finally letting go of the "one" whom I suspected to be "the one" for so long. For the past five years I have worn blinders that have only allowed me to see one man. My sights, my adoration, my intrigue all lay in his existence. With the passing of the New Year, for the first time my fixation on him has really begun to fade. I often think in terms of him. When I meet a new guy, I habitually compare him to the divested "one."

What's odd though, is that for the past few years I'd whine about there being no one else for me. I whined about the attention that my other female friends received when we'd go out, and how I was always the "What's up with your girl?" girl. They [my friends] swore that dudes would flirt with me, and that I was so oblivious that I'd just ignore them. I didn't ignore them. I just didn't know they existed. Now I am starting to wonder. Recently, more guys have found interest in me in the last month, than in the last two or three years combined. What's strange, is that the attention that I once coveted, I no longer want. I do not know how to handle those who are interested. Strangely enough there is one who has caught my attention, but as for the others, I have a hard time saying "You're not my type." However, I feel like that is so unfair, because I realize that I may not really have a type.

I've cared deeply about one person, in that intimate, affectionate sense. Is it really right to define my type based on the things I liked about him? Is it really legitimate for me to say, "You didn't play football, so you are not my type," or "You are too tall, so you are not my type," or "You don't challenge me. You let me win too easily. You never say no. You always say yes. You don't hug me right. Your hair isn't good."

My sister always told me there were others. She used one extended metaphor and I thought it was so cheesy, but I guess it does make sense.
You go to the party alone, with a look that says, "Don't ask me to dance because I'm with him," but he is not there. You go out with blinders on, and you're not even willing to get out on the floor and dance. So don't say no one wants to dance with you. You tell them all no before they even have a chance to ask, and don't tell me you don't, because I've seen you do it.
Whatever the case. There are guys now, and now I know it, and now I don't want them around. Does that make me fickle? I just don't think I am really cut out for this relationship stuff. Maybe I feel that way because I have just never really seen a good relationship. I have watched my female friends screw over truely good guys. I have seen my amazing and beautiful male friends never get the girl-- because my guy friends are the marrying type, not the dating type. So can someone tell me, how does this all work? Actually, I don't really care. I don't want to deal with the dude from my job, the guy who has that oh so very pleasing obsession, the guy who just doesn't quite know what he wants from me, or the guy who sends me text messages from a number to which I am not accustomed. I don't know why chicks love having so many guys swoon over them. I think the what five with which I am dealing or have dealt with is way too much to handle. It's stressful. I'd rather just marry some random Joe Blow after just meeting. Weeding out the good ones, and the bad ones. That is just not my speed. Maybe I'll just need to retrain myself to focus on "good ole five year roller coaster boy" so I can put back on the blinders that kept me from going crazy over this for the last five years.

2 comments:

Zilla said...

you know you love all of that attention! 5 guys?! Niiiiice!

Trash* said...

Berda,

I think it is time to jump off of the 5 year roller coaster and find new entertainment! Besides, you cannot hustle backwards and that is what you would be doing...attention is a good thing, so be glad that you get it...

Love Ya